Shells we built
by Duke Igthorn
Summary: Donnie always knew he's kinda different, besides being a green turtle. When he reveals his secret to Splinter, things go ugly ... really ugly... I don't own the TMNT they are Mirages property and they shall make money,not me. BetaReaders Plz
1. Chapter 1 : Shells we built

_**Okay guys, you brought me to it ... I tried my own fanfic for the TMNT...**_

_**My first one, ever I must admit! **_

_**So please be gentle, when tearing me to pieces **_

_**This story will contain...despair... angst... drama... blood'n gore... of course a bit humor here and there... and, like it or not, a slight note of yaoi romance.**_

_**Just to show that this kind of stories need not necessarily be some wet, slashy, Mpreg Pornparade, but something deeper.**_

_**And before the rant on "omigod they're gay" or "ewww but they're brothers" starts ... this is just one possibility of an infinite variety of options how things could have been with or for the guys... **_

_**I took this one, life with it **_

_**So I hope you'll enjoy reading, and really like to discuss things with you.**_

_**P.S. 13.10.06 I just placed an updated version of Chapter 1 here as an edit... this is the final revised one ;)**_

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Shells we built...  
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Chapter 1 : Shells we built...

You know, I've always been different than my brothers.

I've been considered the calm one, the kind one, maybe even the secluded one.

Yeah, secluded; in my own little techno geek world, where things can be repaired with a screwdriver, order a couple of mouse clicks. But... I guess I started to realize now that this was more to hide my inner self from everyone, and to be in a world where things actually can be fixed.

At first I thought I'm kinda broken. I was fourteen. But I soon came to the conclusion that there are things that are different, that can't be "fixed" and that maybe don't need to be fixed at all. But I was too embarrassed to let my family know.

No, I would hide myself, only to let the brink cover of my soul be seen. To concentrate myself on learning how things, I had some interest in, work. To distract myself from feeling what I'm not supposed to feel.

And for quite some time it worked out.

But now I'm twenty and things are about to change, whether I want to or not.

My Name is Donatello, let me tell you a story. My story.

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When I wake up that morning in January, somebody is shaking me.

Shaking? Oh my, something must have happened! I flip up to an upright position to see what's going on only to see Raph standing above me, my shoulders in his grasp, barely covered with a towel and wet... and ... well guess what, angry.

"Hey Donnie, the heating is dead aga'n and I'm not goin' to have an ice shower, ya hear me?"  
"Uhm, what? Aww... not again! Yeah, wait a minute, I'll have a look on it. Whoo, you're right, it's freezing in here!"  
And cold it is! I notice I can barely feel my fingers. Must have been a damn deep sleep, though.  
I swing my feet out of the bed, shake my head a little and look up to Raph.  
But as I see him standing there, without his mask and other gear and with only a Batman towel, he must've taken it from Mikey.  
The chill was somewhat replaced by an inner warmth.

Well I guess my gaze strays away a little.

"Hellooo, Earth to techno turtle? What'cha waitin' for? Christmas is gone already! Or am I looking too hot to move or what?"

He crosses his arms in front of him and makes a provoacting face, by rising an eyebrow.

'_Well actually..._' I start thinking, but quickly realize what I am doing.

"Hm? Oh sorry, no! Not at all, hehe... I'm off then, see you at breakfast."  
And 'off' I am, man that was embarrassing. But I can't stop thinking about him.

Raphael, the hot head; and I mean that ambiguously. The more I try not to think about him, the more I find myself doing it.

For the love of the Big Turtle out there, I love Raph, but not as a brother... as the... real thing, whatever that means.  
And as much as I'm trying to force myself not to give in to it.  
I simply can't stop. Well good thing nobody sees me confused like this, in spite of the radiator appearing in front of me as I walk over to the heating controls.  
And it's not gonna tell anyone... I hope.

So I distract myself with the task upon me, and soon the heating is back "online" so to say, I already smell the tempting scent of baked bacon.

Mikey must be in the kitchen. But I'm not really hungry. My stomach growls a bit… Awww, well maybe a little hungry.

"**Dooonnnie, breakfast! Your bacon looks _hot_ today, nyaha.**" Mikey teases  
"**Shuddap Mikey!** I told you not to!" So, Raph is in the kitchen, too, waiting for his opportunity to shower…

**Smack !**

"Oww, man Raph, I wasn't listening on purpose, I just walked by! Owie!"  
Oh that's great, Mikey heard us and got the wrong conclusion to pull a joke as usual.

"Too bad you got the right conclusion this time, Mikey." I mumble to myself

I sigh and go down to the kitchen as Leo and Master Splinter are emerging from the dojo.

Today's gonna be a real secluded lab day, that's for sure.

"Good morning, my son, good you repaired the heating." He looks at my face and rises an eyebrow."How are you, Donatello? You didn't show up for your morning katas."  
"Yeah, sorry Sensei, must have overslept big time I guess. I'm working on ... a... project you, know? Got late yesterday."  
I nervously try to explain my lately lack of punctuality… Not really convincing I guess.

"Ah, I see. Good then just be there in time tomorrow morning."  
"Yes, Sensei, of course." I look down a bit ashamed.  
"Nahaa, busteed!" Mikey comes out of the kitchen wearing his 'kiss the cook' pinafore.  
"Mikey, I'm really not in the mood today ok?" I look rather tired at him.

"Hum, okay, okay, just come for breakfast, the bacon's gonna get cold..." He mutters, while hurrying back to the kitchen.

We all sit down in the kitchen and start having our breakfast. I must admit it, Mikey can make really nice food, other than Leo. Shell he should never try to make anything again other than sliced bread.

Only the slicing part.

"So what are _you_ guys up to today?" I ask, trying to make clear, I won't be taking part of it.  
"What's that supposed to mean, Don?" Raph spits out.  
"Don't tell me you're going to lock yourself up again in that lab of yours." Raph doesn't seem to be that happy with this 'common knowledge'…  
I look at him, "_Yeah I'm about to exactly do that_" my inner voice says to me.  
"I hoped you'd spar with me a little t'day, you're really neglecting you training lately, and I don't wanna get you all slim shady, ya know?"  
Raph states in a mixture of being concerned and mocking, while raising a piece of bacon in his fingers and turning the slim side to my direction.

Oh my ... I'd really like to... You've got no idea... But ... no...

"Aww, I'm gonna train tomorrow with Mikey. I must finish this project, you know? Another time, ok?"  
I try to wiggle myself out of this tempting suggestion.  
"Hmpf, you'd better get your training done, than hushing from one "project" to the other. It's not like I'd kill ya. You're not Mikey, tchehe."  
Raph mutters annoyed.

"HaaaHaaa very funny, Raph. I think you're just too "_hot_" for him to train with. Hehe, you said it yourself." Mikey grins widely.

**Smack !**

"Shut up Mikey..."  
"Ouch! Man Raph, that'll be a black spot on my pretty body!" Mikey whines, rubbing his hit shoulder.  
"I hope so, that's why I did it." His face shows he really enjoyed this.

"My sons, can't we just eat our breakfast in peace for once in a while?"

"Of course, Master Splinter, sorry Master Splinter!" It sounds from both of them.

I have had enough, I stand up and start to leave the kitchen. Thanks for rubbing it in my face, Mikey.  
I really don't need to hear "this" fact from my brother, too…

"Donatello, you have barely eaten a thing. Is everything alright, my son?"  
"I'm just not that hungry and I'm eager to get to my project, that's all Sensei. Thanks anyways!" I state, barely looking back at Master Splinter.

"What's with him all of a sudden?" Mikey asks rather surprised that I left his bacon behind.  
"I'll go and talk to him." I hear Leo, while I am heading towards my lab.

Great just what I need. I don't want to talk. If I wanted to, I would have said it, wouldn't I?

"Hey Donnie, wait a moment." Leo's stride matches mine, so I stop but don't look at him. He takes me by the shoulder and turns me a bit so I'd face him. "Donnie, are you sure you are alright?" He asks concerned. Always the caring one, eh Leo?

"Yeah, Leo I'm fine. I'm just... tired, because I've been up late yesterday. Don't worry, ok?"  
I hate lying to my family, but what am I supposed to do? They wouldn't understand.  
"Ok, Don... But if you want to talk, you know where to find us, ok?"  
"Yeah, thanks Leo." I force a smile.  
Then I turn back to my lab and head through the door as Leo shrugs his shoulders and returns to the kitchen.

Phew, that was close.

But... I can't hide in here forever, can I?

One day I will tell them, but not now, that's what I keep telling myself everyday.

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In the late evening somebody knocks at my lab's door.

"Donatello, my son, may I enter?"  
"Of course, Sensei."  
He opens the lab door and comes in two steps.  
"What can I do for you?" I ask him while turning myself around from my working table.  
"I believe I should be the one to ask you this question." Splinter points out while closing the lab door behind him.  
"You've been extremely quiet today. And the look on your face tells me that something isn't right."

Was it that obvious? Damn.

"So what's the matter, my son. Is something bothering you?"  
I turn around not to face him. What a dumb idea, that's a practical confession…

"No it's nothing sensei, I'm fine. Really."  
"Are you sure?" I hear his concerned voice.  
Of course I'm not sure! But there is simply **No Way** I could tell Master Splinter about my feelings. It would dishonor him. And he'd surely not understand.  
Or would he? And how would I tell him that?

Hey Sensei, I'm gay and in love with my own brother? Nah, never.

"Y-Yes I'm sure, Sensei. Thank's anyway." I stutter nervously…  
"Well, If you say so." He turns around and grabs the doorknob, pausing a moment… obviously waiting for something.

That's it! My "shell" is broken. I can't keep it up anymore.

"Sensei..." I sound like I was five years old, scared and unsure of everything.  
"Yes, my son?" Splinter asks with some kind of relieve in his voice, but still looks at the door.  
"Do you love me?"  
He quickly turns around with a pretty surprised and uneasy look on his face.  
"What kind of question is that? Of course I love you! You are my son! I love all my sons, no matter what!"  
"N-no matter- what?" My gosh what am I doing here?  
Splinter rushes to me and cups my cheek.  
"Donatello, let's go for a walk, and talk."

I look down, ashamed.

"Ok, sensei." I whisper.

We go out of the lair and the sewers into the park. The others don't notice us while we're leaving. I think that's a good thing. Raph's away anyways, saw him sneaking out a while ago.

It is very quiet in the park, fresh snow all over the darkened place.  
I wonder if anybody would notice the strange footprints we leave behind, the next day.  
Nobody besides us is outside, so nobody would listen but the whitened trees.  
"You know sensei…" I start feeling anything else but sure what I'm doing here.  
"I- I- There is something- wrong."  
"So what is it, my son. I'm sure we can fix it."  
"No! No, this can't be fixed. I don't know where to start, honestly."

"My son, I didn't answer your last question yet.  
Yes! I love you, no matter what!" He looks very sorrowed and his voice matches his looks.  
"So please tell me what it is, that is so hard for you to tell me. I've never seen you like this!"  
He looks very sorrowed and his voice matches his looks.  
I feel a tear running down my cheek and quickly turn away.

I feel so ashamed of myself, for being … like … this!

"Please promise me you'll never tell anyone!" I beg while looking into nothingness.  
"If it is your wish, I will never tell anyone what you're about to tell me."  
I turn my head to look into his face.  
"I- I- I love Raphael…  
But not like a brother, you know?...  
I really ... love him... I'm... _gay_...  
I'm sorry, I disgrace you!"  
Quickly, I look away, about to run away, but a hand reaches my wrist.  
I do not dare to shake it loose. Slowly I face him again, tears in my eyes, having lost every last bit of dignity.

Well that's it. I've done it. I told the secret of my life to my father.

Great…

I await the shocked and disappointed look, but nothing comes.  
He closes his eyes and nods slightly. He looks directly into my watery eyes with this fatherly, warm smile that is always so soothing.

The sky started snowing again. Big white flakes slowly fall straight down between us due to there is no breeze to guide them towards any other direction but down. It is so silent I can only hear our breathing and my heartbeat. Not that I'd notice that at all…

He is still smiling, not with mischief or disgust, but with … love…

"How could you ever disgrace me, by loving someone?" Splinter asks calmly, with his lovingly, warm father voice.  
"Does he know?" He asks curious.  
"Raphael? No! He mustn't he'd never look at me again!" I'm desperate, I want to run, to run away from everything, but I know that's not an option.  
"Calm down Donatello, calm down." He says soothingly  
"Nobody is going to tell him anything." He pulled me into a hug.  
"You are my son, and I love you!" He assures me.  
"And I am proud of you, to face your fears and tell me your secret." Snow gathers on his fur, giving him such a light tint.  
"Never ever think that you could disgrace me. Less than ever by loving someone. You are the most polite and gentle being I know."  
He wipes away my tears with his warm furry hand.  
"It doesn't matter who you love as long as you can love! Isn't that the most important thing? To be able to love?"

I am near crying out loud of happiness for having this burden off my soul.  
Finally, after all these years, there is this feeling of being understood, accepted for what I really am, for how I truly feel!

Maybe... just maybe there is a chance that if Splinter would accept me, Raph would, too…

"Thank you... father!"

For the briefest of moments I am utterly happy! All of my fears disappear, for this single moment I won't worry about anything!  
I embrace him with the hope and love he gave me back.

Then suddenly, the white flakes stop in midair, or so it seems.

**BLAM!**

I see a flash of light in front of me and a sound echoes in my ears, a very loud one.  
How could I not notice the thug over there at the bushes?  
How could Sensei have not sense him? We were caught completely off guard!

I feel how the embrace in which I was loosens up.  
I look down and my whole world collapses in a blink of an eye.

My beloved Master… my father sinks down to the ground…  
I can see blood on my plastron. His chest is wet, warm… and red…

No, please! Sensei!

My knees start to wobble… and fail…

**BLAM!**

A sting runs through my chest as I fall to my knees. The world turned into a flurry of shades and snow.  
I look at my father, he whispers something but I can't understand it.

**BLAM!**

I don't feel the pain, just the feeling of loosing the only person in the world that truly understood me, and that's more painful than any bullet could ever be.  
As I sink down to my… dad, I hear him whispering again.  
Our blood is tinting the snow around us.

"N- no m- matter wh-at, my s-son."

Then my sight gets blurry and I hear a high pitched noise, probably caused by the blood loss.

It's cold ... so cold ...

I try to see who it was, the one who shot us, who caught two ninjas with three bullets.  
He's still standing there with his gun… Can't determine what he looks like… He's coming towards us now.  
I see a shining metal object flying into the guys chest, a sai. Then I hear a voice.

_His_ voice.

"**Donniiiiieee! Master Splinteeeeeer**"

They must have followed us, and I thought I was the curious one.

Then I see a shadow over me.

**THUD**  
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_**Well that's it first chapter ;) Hope you liked it, that's why I'm doing this.**_

Whats gonna happen?

Let's see things from Raphs perspective in the next chapter


	2. Chapter 2 : The Hot Head

_**Ok this is chapter two. We're gonna get some insights in Raphs perspective.**_

_**Enjoy and review ;)**_

_**P.S. Now it's the final revised version ;)**_

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**Chapter 2 : The "Hot" Head**

Jeeez Donnie's been in a strange mood today!

After I got to him to fix the heating he locked himself up in his lab all day. Not that that was so unusual but he looked weird, or more like confused to say the least. As if he'd never seen me bare naked. I mean, I wore a god damn towel, yeah it was originally Mikey's, but what's he gonna do about it, hehe. Besides, we're as good as naked all the time, so what was that about?

Well who cares, maybe I shouldn't have shaken him out of sleep.

He looked cute while he was asleep. Not that I'd ever admit that.

It angers me to be… '_Different_'. I mean, more different than I already am. I guess that's why I'm so moody all the time, to have some kind of shell around me to keep the others from noticing.

Yeah, believe it or not, but the hot head is into guys. Great thing.

If Mikey found out he'd tease me till the end of time, which would leave me no choice but to kill him. And Leo… argh! Screw Leo and his responsibility tick. He is such a prude, I guess he's not even into girls or guys.

Aw shell I'm driftin' off again.

Donnie... why is he so damn cute? I mean, he is my brother and all, he's not supposed to be cute, is he? And what's up with him today, anyway? Sensei seemed worried about it, too.

Well at least breakfast was fun, although Mikey ticked me off. He's spying on me, I bet. Just waiting for me to make one kinky joke with Don, when I think nobody would notice, and then he would make the motto of the day out of it. Argh, he got his pounding for it, the little brat.  
But I guess that was the fun about breakfast.

Oh great hitting Mikey makes my day? What kind of twisted turtle am I, huh?

I thought about asking Donnie what's wrong but… nah, he just got one of his days, and if I'm too nice everybody starts looking at me as if I was ill or something. Besides Leo already tried to be the "caring" leader.

Donnie...

I'm sure Sensei will talk to him in the evening.

The rest of us went with training and me arguing with Leo, as usual.  
Oh, and hitting Mikey for being a jerk.  
Why does nobody understand me, especially Leo? Mr. Perfect, bah.

And they wonder why I'm moody.

Well it's nearly night and I really don't wanna hear from Leo something about 'Don't go to the surface', so I sneack out.

I need the fresh air to think, about me and about Donnie.  
I'm not sure what it is but when I think about him… well, I like it because it makes me feel free.

But I could only do that alone in the dark, where nobody wonders why I'm smiling all of a sudden. It would only pop unwanted questions, so I act like a jerk as I'm supposed to, as everyone expects me to react and behave.

Maybe I'm overdoing it at times?

Bah! Screw it, who cares!

Aww man, I'm talking rubbish. I guess that's one booze too many, eh?

Sitting in a park tree and drinkin' six cans of my favorite booze… that's it, that's freedom, isn't it?  
I got them from Casey and hid 'em in the River. 'Tis January, so who needs a fridge, anyways.

_If_ Sensei caught me, I'd be done for, emphasize on IF! Hehe!

I love the Park at night, especially after it had snowed. Well, it's cold but it looks so… pure? Innocent?  
Dunno, it reminds me of him a bit, and again I'm drifting off to think of Donnie.

This cannot be going on for much longer I guess. Damn!

He's my brother for god's sake!

But… we can't control who we… '_like_', can we?

Maybe that's some cruel punishment from the guy above for being such an affront to nature. I wonder why I know such a word. Donnie would probably try to explain such things to me with biochemistry. I hate it when he starts technobabbeling, maybe because I don't understand a single word, which leaves me feeling pretty dumb.

Suddenly I hear something, good I'm up in the tree, so nobody would notice me.

**BLAM!**

One moment…

What was that "_BLAM_" over there all about?

Gunshots! I need to run and take a look, what's goin on.  
I jump of the tree, rather like a falling stone than a gracefull ninja and start what I consider at the moment as fast sneaking.  
Damn, ok that's why I shouldn't drink so much booze, makes me sloppy.

"Deep breath and of you go, Raph!" I mumble to myself.

The shot was very close by, from behind the bushes over there, I sneak around them…

**BLAM!**

Who's that thug over there? Purple Dragon scum or what?  
And... No! This can't be happening! Please, oh lord, this can't be happening!

"Don, Master Splinter!" I whisper. "No, what are you two doing out here?"

**BLAM!**

I stumble and fall into the snow, due to the horrifying scenery and my drunken sloppyness.  
No this… this… I feel a rage emerging from my soul… a rage not familiar to my common "iepisodes/i". Something deeper…  
My eyes turn to flat slits.

'_This little street bug just shot my Master and my Bro! My beloved brother!'_

My thoughts reach my clouded mind… then I snap.

I throw one of my Sais at him. He's not gonna live long, the scum! I'll tear him to shreds!

"**Donniiiiieee! Master Splinteeeeeer!**" It yells out of my lungs.

I can see Donnie lying on the ground but looking where my voice came from. Then our eyes catch each other. And mine… this other guy standing over him there with the club.

**THUD**

Too late I try to form a warning scream.  
Donnie! He's out cold.

I run as fast as I can as I feel totally sober. Adrenaline matches alcohol now, or so it seems. All this blood, the sound of the shots, the image of Donnie's face… all this is burned into my brain, forever.

**BLAM!**

Argh! My leg! I'm hit, dammit! What kind of ninja am I, not noticing my surroundings! How could I give in to the thought I could be "off guard" for some time and get drunk! If they die I'm to blame.

I fall, because my hit leg doesn't support my weight anymore as I scream in agony.

Then, I'm enveloped in sheer blackness.

* * *

Where am I?

Ah, yes, **NO!**

I couldn't have possibly passed out! Fk it! But it seemed to be only seconds… or … maybe some minutes.

I attempted to jump to my feet, but quickly fell down again in an instant. My leg hurts too badly, so try to I crawl forward. Although I'm bleeding like hell now, I leave a long smeared streak of blood behind me when I see somebody lying there, some distance before me.

Is it Donnie? Or Splinter? Or both? I don't know yet…  
Please be alive!

Please… we can't life without you. **I** can't life without you!

At that moment, I remember Leo, "_If one of us goes down, we all go down._" and for once in my lifetime, I have to admit he's right.

I feel tears of frustration, mixed with the pain and agony well in my eyes, thickening they ran down my cheeks while I scream in anger.  
Then I reach the body before me.  
Splinter lies on the snow, a mixture of brown and red colors with white dots all over which turn red in the second the blood reaches them.  
Oh lord, Sensei.

He's making a breathing noise!  
Thank god, he's still alive! He's got a blow to the chest, the bullet must have run directly through him into Donnie. All this blood…  
It looks ugly as far as I can tell, Donnie is the expert here.

Donnie! Hey wait, where is Donnie?

He's not here! I see a puddle of blood that indicated where he was, but he wasn't there. Where is he and where did he go?

Whoever has done this, took him... my ... Don... no...

**NO!**

I must focus! Splinter needs medical attention, and he needs it **now**.

I reach for my Shell Cell, only to discover that it is gone… must have lost it when I got hit… or when I jumped off the tree… screw it!  
Damn please Splinter have yours with you. And stay alive!

"Please Sensei, stay with me! We need you!"

He's coughing. "...love .. you... no matter... what..." He's delusional.  
I search through his pockets, a very odd feeling…  
His Cell! YES!  
I push the buttons… come on work you freaky gadget!  
"Yawn... yeah? Sensei?" Mikey's sleepy voice is heard.

"No t'is Raph, quick Mikey, get Leo to tha Park near this freaky dog's statue you love so much, Splinter gotta shot and Donnie kidnapped! **Hurry!** There is... so much blood!" I dunno if I sound more like I'm panicking or commanding but he seems to be instantly awake.

"**WHAT?** We're coming! Hold on! We're coming! **LEO LEO WAKE UP!**"

"Ah an' ... I'm shot as well... aw shell..." He hang up, great Mikey, that's the support I needed. Ah whatever, just be quick, please.

I cradle my father in my arms and try to stop the bleeding with a piece of Sensei's cloth, as it is the only tissue available besides my mask I could take. And my mask doesn't seem to be sufficient. I rip his cloth in usable shreds and try to patch up the entry and exit wounds but I'm not that good at this, and the blood loss is making me feel weary, too.  
I need to strap my leg fast, otherwise I'll pass out before the others are there … man did they hit an artery? That would suck big time!  
Let's just hope not…  
I take my mask and try to apply a tourniquet to my leg with it…

"**DAMMIT! THAT AARGH HURTS!**"

But at least the bleeding slows down a good bit.

I feel so damn cold… being cold blooded sure sucks sometimes…

I look over to Sensei to check his wound. I have no idea if he got severe internal bleeding or not but from the outside it seems to have slowed down as well. Thank god… Just stay alive…

Well I guess that's a lesson not to drink alcohol, they should make a TV Spot from it, hehe.

Oh great, I'm getting delusional, too.

White Spots... everywhere... and they ain't no snow flakes… look like stars… must stay awake... must... stay… aw…

* * *

_**Well that's it, chapter two.**_

_**A bit different than the first one.**_

_**So how're things going to turn out? What happend to Donnie? Will Splinter Survive? Will Raph survive?**_

_**We'll sure see...**_


	3. Chapter 3 : Alone

**_Ok, here we go with Chapter 3... ;)_**

**_And revised to final version :-)_**

* * *

**Chapter 3 : Alone**

I lie in my bed. It's dark, everything is dark besides my bed. It's like a spotlight on my bed… but without a light source.  
I see him, lying next to me. His Shell turned to me, sleeping.  
Aww Raph, you look... so peaceful when you're asleep.  
Having him in my bed, just to see him sleeping makes me happy.

He turnes around to face me.  
What? The look on his face… what's with his face?

„_You killed him!_"

What? I didn't kill anyone… or did I? 

His face... I can't make out any details of his face … it lies in shadows…

„_You killed o'r Sensei ‚cause of your selfish little secret, you hadda tell ‚im!_" His voice is so full of despise, poison and hate, as if he is disgusted by even directing it to me.

No, Raph! I didn't mean to! Sensei… Splinter!Oh my god what happened?

„_He got shot because of **YOU!**_" He hisses to me. „_And you're still alive, you twerp, why couldn't you die instead of him?_"

I was careless, I'm the one who should be dead, not him!  
I was so scared of my own feelings I didn't notice the guy coming towards us!  
I'm- I'm sorry…

"_Be sorry as much as you want, that doesn't bring Splinter back!_" Raph spats at me.  
"_Don't you ever come back!_" Leo threatens me, as he suddenly appears next to my bed with crossed arms.  
"_If one of us goes down, we all go down, Donnie. You killed us all!_" He continues, lecturing me.

No! No no no no no no… this can't be happening!

„_You're a failure of nature! You feel lust for your very brother! And with that you killed us alll…_" They both intonate while fading away in picture and voice to utter dark and silentness.

* * *

I wake up, I am suddenly cold and shivering, the wetness almost resembles that of being soaked in a pool of cold water, only this was cold sweat.  
What's happening here? It's pitch-black, and my chest hurts like hell.  
"Hello?" I bring over my lips. I'm strapped to some kind of table. 

No! Please, I've been caught!

Now I remember.

The snow, Sensei, my confession, the… shots… the blood!

"H- Helloo?" I ask louder, knowing that if anybody was there, he'd not be up for anything good, but I need to know!

"Ah, it's awake, and it can speak! Nice to know, hehe." A man's voice in the darkness mumbles.

"Where am I? Why are you holding me here?" What a silly question. Whoever that is who held me here is up for money or research, or just the fun of torturing a creature which has no lobby.

Please Raph, have seen who took me. Please, he must have saved Sensei!

"What do you want from me?" I asked briskly.

"Well, let's say… _FUN_! Yeah the fun first, they don't mind if you're alive or not. Your genetics are valuable enough. But now as I see you're a conscious being, that means even more fun, nyehehehe." He sounds like some of these _very_ sick guys you'd encounter in a Terentino movie…  
"You're lucky, you'll stay alive then. But on second guess, I don't know if that's gonna be luck at all."

Crud… That's gonna be tough.

I try to break loose from the straps that hold me down, but they're too tight and I'm far too weak at the moment. Blood loss, loosing a father and a bang to the head are all things that don't really boost you up. Damn I can't see a thing, so I can't examine my body aside from assigning _levels of pain._  
I only hear the evil giggling of the guy in this room. I feel panic crawling up my stomach…  
Am I going to die here in the darkness, leaving my family alone, down, committed to destruction because I took our father from us?

**_STOP DONATELLO!_**

When I'm outa here I really need a shrink! My whole emotional world is not what I would call balanced at the moment…  
I must focus and think logically… Panic, fear and despair won't help me here. How did Frank Herbert put it in Dune?

‚_I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain._'

I mustn't let my weird feelings distract me from what's most important!

I have to stay alive until my family comes and rescues me!

They will come for me, they always do. We always came for our kin. Why should it be different this time?

So let's see what could be of any help here…  
Okay, the air here is cold and damp, and this "_table_" or whatever it is I'm strapped to, seems to be made of metal with a leather coating. And it's leaned a bit forward. These straps seem to be made of plastic, pretty stable material though. If I only could reach to my belt, to… damn! No belt anymore, and no knee or elbow caps, but my mask is still on. They must've found my gadgets in them.

Good thing I have placed these transmitter devices in our masks, my brothers and mine, just in case something like this happened. It's so small they wouldn't notice it.

So I hope Leo remembers it.

Okay, chances are not too bad, they're probably already on their way here to rescue me, I hope.

Obviously these… "_people_" treated me somehow, otherwise I would have already bled to death, which means they must have some interest in my life, or to keep me alive.  
Let's hope he's just faking his "_fun part_" to scare me. If not, well hello pain, I guess.

I start meditating to detach my body from my soul, to calm myself down.

I breathe.

If I was in any condition to break free, I'd try. But there is no chance…  
And I'll not give him the pleasure of begging for my "_well beeing_"!  
So let's hope he _IS_ faking…

"Whatever you're about to do, get started soon, I don't have all day, you know." I sound like Raph… well who cares.

"As you wish, creature." He states with a voice that not really sounds like someone who only tries to scare people…

I hear a humming noise coming near me, like a drill...

Crud… I did bet on the wrong horse…  
Now, I have to focus on my task.

I have to Stay Alive!

* * *

**_Whoo bad things for Don. A shortie I admit ;)  
Well let's hope things work out as he hopes._**

_**Off to chapter 4.**_


	4. Chapter 4 : Awakening

_**Yay thanks for helping, Ame ;)**_

_**So Donnie is in a pretty nasty situation, let's have a look how the others are doing…**_

_**And here we go with the final revised version ;)**_

* * *

**Chapter 4 : Awakening**

…ooouch…

"… wake… Raph … wa… up… come on …."

What's that noise? And this motion… is somebody shaking me?

"**SPLINTER!**" I wake up and flip into an upright position in a blink of an eye, hitting Mikey's nose pretty hard with my head. He must've been leaning over me.

It never hit's the wrong guy, I guess.

I'm in the lair, it's pretty quiet. I am on the couch in the living room and… shell! My leg hurts, big time.

And the place looks like somebody slaughtered a cow or something.  
They surely didn't have the time to clean the mess up I made after they dragged me in

"Ouch! _Thanks_, Raph… **RAPH!** Thank god, you're awake!" Mikey grins at me, with a slightly bleeding nose. He holds it with one hand, but smiles from one ear to the other.

"Mikey! Splinter? Where is Splinter? Is he alive?" I ask quickly, remembering what happened and hoping that I don't smell like a boozeshop.  
"Splinter is… well fine, I guess." He states anxious. "April came to help and she said he'd survive. He didn't wake up, yet… But you did! What the shell happened out there? And where is Donnie?"

"I dunno. I've been outside… getting some- air… And then I heard gunshots." I may be a bit under the weather, but I'm not gonna tell Mikey I was drunk… again! "I ran to look what happened and saw Master Splinter and Donnie, collapsing to the ground, bleeding all over." I stare through Mikey, scared by my memories. "I flipped out and killed the guy, but there were more." I grit my teeth."One shot me in the leg, another clobbered Donnie and then he must have gotten away with him. I…"

No, I didn't pass out there, did I? … No!

"I… crawled over to Master Splinter and tried to stop the bleeding…"

"Which you did in a pretty bad way." April mocks me as she enters the room, but she is smiling and glad to see me awake, I hope. "Raph, you're up!" she runs over and gives me a big hug and kisses my forehead. "You lost so much blood, we didn't know if it was… too much." She sighs relieved as she looks into my eyes holding my head in her hands. "You did a great job, Raph… without you Splinter would have died before we got there."  
Phew, and I thought I messed it all up. Well obviously I was paying more attention to Don's and Leatherheads first aid lessons than I thought.  
"And now let me see your leg, Gruffy." She smiles with this irresistible smile she has.  
I frown and then smile back a little.  
April obviously stitched the worst things up while I was out cold. It hurts badly while she's changing the bandages, but I try not to let anybody see this, but with not so much success as I hoped.  
Mikey looks pretty off as she takes off the last piece of linen, and then he runs for the bathroom.

"Little sissy... _Ouch_!" I smirk to myself.

But, ok… as I look at it… it really looks nasty, after I scratched it all over the frozen ground while I was crawling…  
He's still a sissy!

"He woke up!" Leo's voice comes to my ears as he must just have left Splinters chamber. "Oh Raph! You're up, too?" He sounds rather surprised.  
I turn around and look in his face.  
He… he's not looking so well, either. A very uneasy look, not the look of the fearless leader he so often pretends to be. He comes over to me and gives me a… big… hug?

Ok now I'm surprised, I never expected that to happen!

"Thank god, you were out there, letting off some steam! _They_ would've been dead if you weren't!"

"Uhm… thanks, Leo… I guess." I know how much energy this act of compassion and thankfulness must have cost Leo. He's not really good in thanking me for anything. And there is not so often reason to do so.  
That rescue was just a coincidence, and if I weren't drunk I could have saved Donnie, too.

Donnie!

"Did ya just say '_they_' would've been dead, Leo? How could'cha know Donnie's still alive?" I ask rather excited and hoping.

"Master Splinter woke up, he said Donnie's alive but in great pain and danger." He tries to be objective, but utterly fails. "We must find him quickly! I guess sensei can sense Don somehow… Not where he is but… that he _is_." His teeth grits a bit.

"Then we must hurry!" I try to stand up, but the stinging pain keeps me from moving, as well as a shocked April.  
"You're not going anywhere, mister!" April points out quite distinct.  
"But I can't just sit here doin' nothin'!" I'm getting angry but not at April and not at Leo, but at this state I'm in, to not to be able to help Donnie!

"Donnie… what are they doing to you?" I mumble in my non existent beard.

Leo gently grabs my wrists with a reassuring look. "Calm down, Raph, please. We're all worried about Don, but honestly you can't help him right now, not in your condition." He points at my bad leg. "Besides, somebody must take care of Master Splinter and April, don't you think?"

I sigh heavily. He's right and I can't even argue with him about that.

Man that's frustrating.

"Okay, Leo. Get my… I mean, our Donnie back!" Dammit! What did I just say? Quickly I look away, so that I cannot see the suspicious expression that must have formed on Leo's face.

"I'm getting him back, we're getting him back!" He, winks at me and turns to the stairways. "**Michelangelo**, come we must hurry! Maybe Master Splinter has more to say."

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Mikey shouts from over the flushing sound in the bathroom. He's coming down the stairs and looks like he just hurled his heart out. "And Raph, never ever show me your wound again, ok? It's just disgusting!"  
"Well thanks Mikey, that's just what I need at the moment. I'll remember that next time you lie around bleeding like hell."  
"Thought so, nyaha!" He sticks his tongue out at me. And there it is again, his childish smile. Sometimes, I envy him for his lighthearted antics.

"Okay Mikey, come on, let's go to Master Splinter and hear what he has to say."  
Leo takes the just arrived Mikey by his shoulder and drags him along.

Somehow, Leo's tone doesn't sound right.

His 'command voice' isn't there. And he looks so… _broken_… I bet because he didn't notice anything.

Kinda bad day for his leader ego…

But I actually like him this way much more. There is so much more honesty in his voice.

They both disappear in Master Splinters room.

"Hey April?" I ask a bit nervously.  
"Hm? What is it, Raphael?" She just finished the new bandages and looks a bit like I disturbed her with somethin'.  
I look into her eyes, with a mixture of sadness and serious curiosity. "How bad is it with Sensei… honestly?"   
"He got lucky, the bullet ran straight through his chest without hitting vital organs. It just scratched his left lung and one vertebra. He suffered severe blood loss and his old heart got a little bit out of it's rhythm. That's why he lost consciousness so quickly. But he'll be fine, I promise." Her hand takes mine and squeezes it reassuring.

Thank god. We didn't loose our father. Without his guidance we surely would break apart quickly, or at least at the moment.

I take off my mask to look at it, while rubbing my other hand over my head. It feels itchy abit… maybe because I hit Mikey earlier.  
The door to Sensei's room opens and… Leatherhead comes out. Well that's a pleasant surprise.  
"Hey LH, you're here, too?"   
"Of course, Raphael. Ms. O'Neil didn't have the needed medical capabilities, so she called me when she found out that you and Splinter were injured. She was a great help, though! Didn't Michelangelo tell you I'm here as well?" His voice is as always calm and objective, though a little bit worried.  
"Nope, he didn't do that." I harrumphed.  
"Whoops, uhm… LH is here, too." I hear Mikey's voice from behind Splinters doors. "Anyways, thank you LH! You're the man! Er- croc...? Bah, whatever!" Mikey goofes as usual.  
"It is my duty as your friend to help you. You don't have to thank me for that."  
"Don't be so humble, Leatherhead. You did a great job here and you deserve all our thanks! Anyways you're more than a friend… you're family!" April throws in.

Leatherhead bows a little. Amazing how such a big guy can be so nice, if he's not in one of his imoods/i of course.

I look back down on my mask when it strikes me. 

"**The transmitters!**" I yell out.

Donnie attached transmitters to our masks a while ago in case someone got captured or lost somehow, that we can track where the missing kin is and help him.  
"LH! Quick, did Donnie ever tell you about the transmitters he put into our masks?" I ask hopefull and happy that I actually can contribute something to Don's rescue.  
"Now that you mention it, he did say something to me a while ago that he planned to do so, but I don't know if he ever actually did it." Leatherhead states thoughtfull.  
"He DID!" Leo comes out of Splinters Room, followed by a cranky looking Mikey. "I was just thinking the same thing, Raph. Don did attach those devices to our masks, but he never did a test run. Why didn't I remember earlier?" I'm not really sure if he's happy that we have a clue or angry because he didn't get it first…

"So LH," I turn back to Leatherhead "can you track this thing?"  
"Give me your mask, so I can see on which frequency yours is transmitting, and then I'm sure I can locate the other ones as well. I'll go and check in Donatello's lab. I'm sure he doesn't mind at the moment."  
"Yes, Leo we have a clue!" I burst out, very happy as everybody can see and throw my mask to Leatherhead who catches it.  
"Ms. O'Neill, would you accompany me in the lab, I could use some help there."  
"Yes of course, Leatherhead. And call me April, ok?"  
"As you wish… April." He seems very happy due to Aprils offer.

I see Leo's face. The glimpse of hope paired with his self blaming despair. His fists pulled so tight…  
I know how he feels. Exactly how I feel most of the time… Responsible for most of the bad things… frustrated. And it really puts him down.  
I guess it's my turn now to jump over my shadow and do the right thing for once. And for the record, I truly hate to be like that, I completely pull down my… my self built shell, which leaves me kinda defenseless.

"Leo?" I address him calmly.  
"Hm? Yes, Raph?" He looks at me quite uneasy.  
"Come over her' for a moment, will ya?"  
He looks at me kinda unsure about what to do, but he comes over and kneels down before the couch.  
This time I'm the one to give him a big hug. "'tis wasn't your fault, fearless! You couldn't know they were out!" I whisper.  
Leo's pretty surprised by my approach, but happy to give in to his feelings.  
"But I…"  
"Shhh… no buts this time, Leo." I tighten the hug. "You couldn't have known and you wouldn't have been able to do anything about it." I try to comfort him. "And if I weren't so stupid to get drunk in the park, I could've saved Donnie, too. If anyone's to blame, then me."  
Oh damn! I just gave in to it… great. Now he's gonna be pissed for sure! Well done, Raphie boy, you destroyed the moment!

"Whoops! Busted!" Mikey points out from behind with a pretty dry voice. He doesn't seem to be too comfortable with this seldom Leo/Raph moment. I guess because he's not in the center of everybodys attention.

"As if I didn't know that, Raph. Do you think I'm stupid?" Leo's hugging me back, finally.

"I'm sure he thinks that," I hear Mikey murmuring silently.  
"Shaddap Mikes!" I yell. Can't he just leave us be for a moment.

"I know that you're drinking sometimes, or do you really think nobody would notice the scent of beer in the shower?" Leo calmly continues.  
„Well actually- man am I dumb…" I really am. I always took a shower after my nightly "Booze Sessions" which must've left a well noticeable odor of beer sweat in the air. Well drunk people don't think about these kind of consequences, eh?  
"Never mind, it's okay. I don't blame you." I can feel a tear from him dropping onto my shoulder.

_'You don't?'_

"You don't?" I speak my thought.  
"Nope. I guess I can be a big butt sometimes, if I were you I'd surely get drunk now and then." He says with a sobby laugh.  
I pull away from the hug, take him by his shoulders and look into his watery eyes. "Okay! Who are you and what have you done with my brother, Leo?"  
We both laugh, hug each other once again, knowing what the other would have said.  
Then I wipe the one left tear on his cheek away and give him a slight slap.  
"Okay, off you go, get Donnie back, will ya? We can both talk later." Me the reassuring one? Jeez…  
"Okay, Raph. Thanks a lot!" He smiles and bobs my shoulder while standing up.  
"Don't mention it. And now away with you before my real me comes back to argue with you!" I threaten playfully.  
I smile and he smiles back, and then he goes to the lab. Maybe I should be open like that more often.  
Nah… rubbish! That'd make me look too much sissylike!

"Mikey come, we've got a brother to rescue!" Leo yells, now a bit more leader again, whilst he exits the lab.

"Aye Aye Cap'n!" Yeah that's Mikey. I smile.

* * *

_**Well good news, Splinter is alive, Raph as well and Raph and Leo get along … What more could we want? Ah, yeah getting Donnie back, I almost forgot ;)**_

_**Reviews? Puhleeze? gg**_


	5. Chapter 5 : Hope will keep me running

_**Well here we are again. Donnie's having a hard time… Will he keep it up?**_

_**Get scared...**_

_**And now it's final and revised, too :)**_

* * *

****

Chapter 5 : Hope will keep me running

The last four hours have been a true nightmare and considering one of my greatest inner fears, besides loosing my family, was ending up on a dissection table alive, I have no idea why I didn't get mad until now.

I keep my soul contained in my desperate try of meditation, and focus my thoughts on the good things in life, but I can feel and hear myself both mind and body screaming, wincing and crying in agony. Or maybe my mind split up or whatever... it doesn't matter anymore. I try not to pay attention to my surroundings and myself in order to keep my little _mind shell_ up, but I know that shell is about to crack soon.

For this lesson I am now truly thankful, Sensei. If I hadn't learned how to constantly block out the pain, I'm sure my body would've shut down two hours ago. It's not that I'm not feeling what's happening to my body, hell I do! But I'm focusing on my mind, tuning out the pain.

_My Happy Place… My family… Raphael… _

And I must stay focused no matter what… I hope that they will come and get me out.

You might ask, '_Aren't you curious to what these people are doing to you?_' and my scientific mind would answer, "YES, OF COURSE!" but even a mere blink at my current state, could tear apart what little control over my mind I have left. Or at least, that's what I think would happen.

But… I do notice something…  
Hey, what's that?  
The little part of self-awareness left in me just sent me a message.

'_The right arm's strap just loosened._'

But, I do not dare let my focus down nor falter, it's the only thing that keeps me alive. I can't face reality outside without risking complete shutdown! But what if that's my chance to break free? What if … '_they_' won't come in time, or at all…?

Shell… no pain no gain it is, eh?

Okay, I slowly try to turn my focus to my right arm… I mustn't loose control, I mustn't… I… I… **AAARRRRRRWW**… I… can… feel the strap…

It's half cut!  
Maybe by a scalpel or whatever, who cares… it's half cut!

If I could rip through it and then grab for… a tool or something…** Aarggh!** It hurts! I can't even describe the pain properly. It's everywhere, stinging, burning, pulsing with every heartbeat. It hurts so much I don't even know if my body is still capable of doing something like what I'm about to do, but I must try! I must come out of this shell I built…

**AHHHHHHRRHAAHHHHHHRGH**

I see light above me, shining down on me and people with surgery clothing. The pain is now getting so intense it nearly bursts through my chest.

There are three of them, one on each side of me and one leaning on the doorway in a black suit… no it's a _tuxedo_.

I can see myself, looking down on me… not a nice sight, indeed. With blood, cuts and ripped skin, but I must keep it up! I must overcome the pain!  
There it is again… this noise… this humming noise of an electric saw they used to scare me with in the beginning.

This is my chance!

One of them comes closer with this dreadful tool. I tense my muscles, I force myself against the straps, with all the power I have left in my body.

**YAAAARRRRRRRRGHHHHH**

A loud ripping sound is heard as my arm comes free!

I grab his hand, the one that holds the saw and twist it with a quick snap, the sound of a breaking wrist is to be heard. Then I take the saw directly and push it towards his throat, he stumbles backwards holding his wound, blood spraying out between his fingers. He falls down instantly. Quickly I cut my other arm free and in the same move slice into the arm of the other man.  
He screames in pain… yeah serves you right, as if you knew what pain was before now!  
And that's still nothing compared to mine!

I rip off the breathing mask that was on my face and breathe deep, while cutting the next strap on my hip and working on freeing myself. With the other free hand, I grip one of the scalpels lying next to me on a table and throw it towards the tuxedo guy. He seems shocked due to my sudden activity, then he looses an eye, or gets a scalpel added to his body… whatever expression you think fits more.  
I'm in a fit of rage, something I've only been in once before in my life. Okay twice, one was in another time, a dark future where I lost my whole family, the other one, when I turned into a monster due to Bishop's DNA meddling. But this feels like both… The anger and frustration from that future melted with the animalistic aggression of being a consciousness less monster.

The adrenaline rush in my body must have kicked me up and right into it, and… at this very moment… I LIKE IT!  
I guess being Raph, feels like that, or Leatherhead when he ticks out, eh?

My sole purpose right now is to kill. Kill everything that comes near me.  
Killing is the most effective way to incapacitate the enemy.  
I can't take chances.  
Not now!  
Not anymore!

I throw myself at the guy holding his sliced arm and crush his neck with my knees while I'm landing on him. The cracking noise brings a grin to my face.

Then I jump up, flip forward and land directly in front of the tuxedo guy who just pulled out his new body attachment aka bloddy scalpel. I grab his neck and drag him in a swift move onto the dissection table which held me for nearly four hours. I looked straight into his eye, he squirms in pain and fear, then I grab the saw with my free hand.

His face shows utter horror.

I don't care… I hold the humming saw in front of his face, grinning… closing in to his remaining eye...

_Donnie… what are you doing here?_ I hear myself deep inside my head.

My consciousness falls back into my body.

What **_am_** I doing here?

My grin fades to an emotionless look while I lower the saw.

I turn around, knocking out _Mr. Tuxedo_ in the move with my elbow.

Then I fall down to my knees, looking at my bloody shaking hands.

"Holy shell… what have I just done?" I stutter.

The pain comes back into my body and I feel dizzy, everything starts twirling around me.  
I close my eyes to try and focus again. I breathe deeply and then I open my eyes again, looking down my body.  
How did I just do what I did? Ho could I possibly be able to do… this?

My body looks like … I have no proper word for it. Me the walking encyclopedia, at loss for words.

My plastron is cut open at the lower part right between the scales, but due to it's solid nature it kept closed so that my intestines are obviously still inside.  
Well that's good, somehow.

My right leg is missing some big parts of skin and flesh, I can see the bone at one point. I'm bloody all over, there are several... holes… everywhere, like drill holes, or done with something like an apple corer.

As I try to stand up I can see my reflection in the glass window on the door. Deep cuts ran all over my face, my left eye lid looks odd, like they cut it to get a better hold to my eyeball, fortunately they didn't reach it in time.

My mask… where is … my mask? They must have removed it, too. Damn, the transmitter! I hope it's at least still somewhere around here.  
Looking around in all this bloody mess isn't that easy, and due to the adrenaline rush vanishing, I really start feeling… sick.

Now the pain overwhelms me, I kneel down, hold my head and scream. My voice sounds twisted... I'm bleeding so much, I must stop the bleeding… but where? I'm bleeding almost everywhere.

Guys… where are you?

Raph…

I guess I'm going into shock… that mustn't happen! I must keep myself up!

I look up, noticing a medicine cabinet on the opposite wall. There must be stuff inside to get me stitched up a bit, maybe some painkillers, adrenaline, whatever... something to keep my body running.

Dragging myself over there I hear a voice.„_Don't give up, my son… Never … give … up..._"

Sensei? I must be hallucinating… or … Sensei? Are you there?

"_I've always been there and always will be, in your heart, my son._"

"_Keep it up Donnie-boy, will ya? Don't leave me alone with Leo and Mikey. I need ya, you know? More than you can imagine._"

Raph… Is that you Raph? How…?

"_Of course ‚tis me, Donnie. Who do you think got you running berserk like this, eh? Keep your precious body running, will ya? Don't lose hope! They're coming._" He sounds so warm and reassuring…

Raph…

Thank you…

A tear runs down my cheek, leaving a green line in all this bloody red.

I reach for the cabinet and open it. Well that doesn't look too bad. Bandages, pills, syringes… should be enough to stabilize me.

While I slowly start fixing my worst wounds and pump painkillers into my system, I notice that the now one eyed tuxedo wearing freak is waking up. I look around for a weapon and see a pistol on the floor not too far from me. One of them must have dropped it when I got loose.

I take it with an disgusted expression and aim. Oh I hate firearms, but what else should I do now?

"Hey, you there." I inwardly give a few raspy coughs, "Don't even think about doing something stupid!" I warn. I'm not really sure if I sound convincing.  
He looks at me with… well let's say one confused eye. "How… did you manage to do… that?" He seems pretty shocked due to the latest events.

"Thee who seeds wind… cough… will harvest storm, you know?" I state cocky. "So who the hell are you… and… what did you want from me… besides having '_fun_' ?" I wince. The painkillers are not nearly enough to make me feel better, and as I notice they're outdated, too.

"We were granted a… well let's say nice amount of money to make you suffer." He angrily mumbles.  
"Ssssshhh, owwwach…" A hiss comes from him while he holds his empty eye socket.  
"Damn, you put me an eye out! Akh." He shouts.

"Damn, you cut me to shreds!" I mimick his foul mood. "What did you expect me to do? Sing a lullaby?" I'm really sarcastic now… I wonder if I'm about to get some Raph allures. "…cough… who hired you?" My voice is really throaty.

"Dunno…"

_Wroong answer, dude._

**Click!**

"Hey... hey … slowly, okay? I don't know the name." He stutters scared. "We just got a letter and a videotape… and start money, otherwise I wouldn't have taken it seriously, I guess. I mean who would believe something... "

"Ahem?" I send him a glare.

"Er, some- one like you would exist? Honestly? I first thought you're well trained animals… okay freaky mutant animals. I didn't even expect you to be able to speak." He tries to justify his actions.  
"Well that's a good excuse to torture a 'creature' isn't it?" I'm pretty pissed right now but too weak to look much like it I guess.  
"Pft, as if I had to explain myself to a freak like you!" And it seems he sees I'm not going to be much more heroic today.  
"Well if you cherish your other eye and life, you should. So tell me, how many people are you? I doubt…uhh…"

Damn… breathing gets… harder…

"I doubt, you three operated alone…"

"We got plenty of men outside, so you'd better give up now." He explaines desperate. I see he's lying.  
"They left you here, didn't they?" I state dry. "I suspect there are maybe some guards in the building, but due to the state of this room and the… 'best until 1998' signs on the pills I just took, I assume we're in an abandoned hospital." I try to get smart on him.  
My coughs are getting heavier. Humph, I guess I've got a punctured lung… that … sucks.

Keep running Donnie, keep running. I say to myself.

"So admit it, you're lying."

"Pff, think what you want. You won't make it out here alive anyway. I mean look at you, you're practically dead, turtle boy."

"At least I've still got two eyes to look."  
I have to admit, by times sarcasm makes you feel much better!

"Screw you, freak! You will die here alone, and you will not shoot me, because you'd alert the guards with the noise, and then you'd really be done for. Your friends will never find you here!" He spits out, trying to look tough.

I smirk a bit.

Of that, I wouldn't be that sure Cyclops.

Guys, I count on you.

* * *

_**Oh my Donnie, you're tougher than one would imagine… So stay awake and alive untill rescue's there…**_


	6. Chapter 6 : Mental Backup

_**Okay folks, here is Chapter 6. Sorry it took such a long time, but better late then never, eh? ;)**_

_**Back in the Lair, the Rest of the family tries to do their part to help….**_

**_Enjoy :)_**

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**Chapter 6 : Mental Backup**

As I open my eyes, the candlelight in front of me flickers a bit with my breath.

I look through the light over to Master Splinter, who lies on his bed breathing calmly. Our shadows are dancing, thrown onto the paper door of his bedroom chamber. He turns his head to me and smiles.

"That was quite unorthodox, my son." He mentions a bit surprised  
"Hm? What do you mean Sensei?"  
"Giving him strength in … this kind of way."  
"Well, I've just tried to be myself. Seemed to have worked, doesn't it?" I half try to defend myself, half being proud.

"Yes, you did very well, Raphael. I just hope your brothers find him, before…" He sounds frightened as he closes his eyes, a tear forms in the corner of the right one.

"He's really badly hurt, isn't he?" I ask him to make sure my senses didn't fool me. I still feel the pain and despair I've been experiencing while I was meditating in order to "_find_" Donnie. Strange, that I, of all… turtles, was able to somehow sense him.

"Yes, my son, he suffers more than I am willing to think of, but you gave him hope and the will to withstand the odds." He pauses and lowers his head a bit.  
"Thank you, Raphael! I'm not sure if I would have been able to support him alone."  
"Thank you, Sensei! For always believing and encouraging me, that I could learn such a technique!" I reply humbly.  
He slightly nods and tries to sit up, but realizes that this obviously wasn't such a good idea as he flinches in pain to his wound, wincing a bit. Then he lies down again, accepting this would be the wisest position to stay in.  
"Hey Sensei, don't try to get up. You'll reopen your wound. I'll bring you anything you need, okay?" I stiffen worried for Splinter.  
"Thank you, Raphael. I am fine." He soothes my worries for him with his calm voice. 

I shiver, thinking about my poor brothers fate.

Man, Donnie, what are you goin' through? I'm not sure if I… '_saw_' anything, or more imagined. But I'm sure of what I felt, and I must admit he is much stronger than any of us, physically and spiritually, including me!

I don't dare imagine… what if Leo and Mikey are too late. 

"Sensei, can I ask you somethin'?"  
"Of course, my son."  
"What wer' you 'n Donnie doin' in the Park?" I ask curiously, trying to understand why things went so wrong this night.

He looks rather surprised on my question, and… a little bit "_clueless_". That's the last adjective I'd ever assign to our Master, but in this very moment it's the only one that fits, somehow. I'm not sure what to think of this reaction…

"Well, he wanted to discuss some very personal matters with me, so we went for a walk." He states calmly and with very well chosen words. 

'_Very personal matters_'? What the shell is _that_ supposed to mean?

"Hm, is he ill or somethin'?" I really'd like to hear somethin' concrete once in a while…  
"No, no, not at all… but I promised him not to tell anybody." He still stays as calm as ever.  
"Oh? Well, okay then." I end this matter rather disappointed, but knowing he wouldn't go into any detail. 

Now, that's odd. What could Don have to discuss with Sensei that is so 'top secret', he wouldn't tell us about it?  
I mean 'tis not like he's the gay turtle who has to hide his feelings.

_That's my part… crud. _

"He can't stand me, can he?"

"Pardon?" He asks kinda confused. 

"Donatello, I guess he can't stand me anymore." I state sad. "I mean, he avoids me as much as he can, he doesn't wanna spar with me lately. And this is going for month now. I can't even remember the last time we looked at each other in the eyes while talking." I sigh deep frustrated. "Am I such a big jerk?"  
Splinter looks at me concerned, but soon smiles as if he knew something I don't.  
"Raphael, your brother loves you very much, that I can assure you. We all love you." He pauses for a moment, as if he is searching for the right words.  
"Sometimes you let your anger cloud your mind, which somehow confuses your brothers. But we love you regardless. You have a good heart, so don't think so bad of yourself." He carefully turns to his side to have a better look at me. With a slight gesture of his hand, he asks me to come closer. I follow his gesture, take the crutch April gave me, stand up from the little table I was sitting at and move the short distance towards his bed. There I sit down rather clumsy due to my injury.  
His hand gently caresses my cheek.

"I don't know what I do, if I… if we… lose him, Sensei. I really don't." I feel my deep inner fear of loosing him growing. The fear not to be able to make up my mind with him anymore. "I never told him… that… I…"

"Love him?" Splinter finishes my statement, knowing what I was about to say. If he only knew 'my' interpretation of loving Donnie differs a bit from what he might expect.

"Yeah, sounds pretty stupid, doesn't it?" I lower my head and blush a bit.  
"Not at all, my son. I'm sure he knows that you love him. You're his brother, after all." He reassures me.  
"No, I mean I really…" I sigh deeply, unable to express my true feelings right now. "Uh, never mind, Sensei."

Oh my, damn! Was I just about to 'come out of my shell' ? No I can't tell it yet!  
But I promise, when Donnie comes out of this alive, I will tell him everything! I owe him that… I cant live with the fact I might never be able to tell him, if anything else happened.

"Are you alright, Raphael?" He looks deep into my eyes, knowing there is more yet to tell.  
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." I override my urge to tell him. "This whole thing is just a bit too much." Oh Raphie-Boy, you're such a coward!  
" I'm gonna look for April and get us something to eat, okay Sensei?" I try to escape a further conversation.

"That is a good idea, my son. Do you think Michelangelo left us some cheesecake?" He smiled elfishly.  
"Hehe, I'll look what I can find! Be back in a minute." He always knows when to pull a funny, which pushes you back up again. I stand up with my crutch and stumble towards the door. Oh my, walking is not one of my specialties at the moment. "Well, actually… uh, make it ten minutes, okay?" I admit sheepish.  
"I don't plan to go anywhere else, soon." He smiled teasingly.  
As I make my walk to the kitchen, April comes marching towards me.

"I told you, that you shall call me when you want something! You shouldn't be wandering around, here." She points out, worried about my wound.  
"Aww, c'mon April, it's not that bad." I grunt a bit, feeling underestimated. "And I wanna do at least somethin', let it be getting cheesecake for sensei, okay?" I grin at her, a bit pleading.  
"Humpf, okay." She surrenders. "But let me help you, okay? I really don't want to have to stitch your wound up again."  
"Me neither." I frown a bit. "So, anything new?" I ask quietly, hoping the others got through to her already.  
"Nope, nothing yet. I hope they'll find this place where Leatherhead tracked Donnie's transmitter." She informs me as we walk over to the kitchen. "I went through the city maps and it should be the old St. Christopher hospital. It's been abandoned for a couple of years now after a fire broke out there 1997. They were planning to take it down next year, to be replaced by a new shopping mall." She frowns. "As if we don't have enough malls around." I love it when she goes sarcastic.

"Good thing LH went with Leo an' Mikey, just in case there're lots of evil turtlenappers." I feel the constant lump in my stomach tighten to a fist. "Oh, if I get only one of them in my hands, I'm gonna… **Rrraarghh!**" I slam my fist on the kitchen table. The lone cup on it makes a jump, as the table gets a crack where I hit it.

"Calm down Raph, you're in no condition to do anything in spite of crippling bugs." She teases me a bit.  
"I **HATE** bugs!!!" I yell, but clam down knowing there is no point in yelling.  
"I know." She smiles.

Suddenly my ShellCell rings.  
I grab it push the button and start questioning urgently.  
"Yap! What's up? Did you guys find Donnie?"  
"Uhm? Hi Raph, this is Casey, what's up with Donnie?" Whoops! I guess in all the hurry nobody thought about contacting Casey.  
"Well uhm… Casey, get'cher ugly butt over here quickly, ya hear me!" I command rough.  
"Huh? Do you know how late it is?" _Funny one Casey, you've been the one calling me, remember?_ I just grunt into the mic.  
"...Well ookay, I'm on my way. See ya later then." Seems, he understood my thought, hehe. And they say, grunting is no form of communication.  
"Yeah, bye Case'!"

**Beep.**

"Damn we totally forgot Casey." I turn to April with a kinda guilty look.  
"Well I didn't want to wake him, you know? He'd only do… '_things_', you know? Most of them dumb." She rolls her eyes, thinking of Casey's could-be-actions.

"Heh, yeah. Nah well. He should be around if… "  
My mind suddenly clicks and comes back to the serious matters of the night. I drop down on a kitchen chair, my mood drops with me. "**Screw it**, Leo! Why aren't you calling back! **DAMMIT!**"  
I prop my elbows on the kitchen table and let my face sink into my hands, trying to hide my eyes which just got watery.  
"Hey Raph, he'll call, okay?" she shushed gently, rubbing my shoulder.  
"Yeah." I whine from between my fingers, utterly failing in not sounding sobby.

After a deep sigh, I pushed my hands away and placed them on the table. "I'd better bring Sensei the promised Cheesecake, huh?" I decide to distract myself.  
"You stay where you are, I'll bring him his cake." Her voice claims worried.  
"Okay. He really was lucky nothing worse happened to him, wasn't he?" I don't want her to leave, but I can't tell her that…  
"Definitely! And Donnie will be fine, too!"  
She gets up, takes the rest of the cake out of the fridge and places it on a plate, then she leaves the kitchen after sending me a lovely wink. I smirk back.

* * *

The kitchen clock ticks relentlessly. I could never stand being in a room alone with a clock that makes noises. I makes me kinda… _frightened_… sounds silly, eh? 

I take my crutch and trudge towards the fridge. I want some ice cream. Now!  
I guess nobody knows about my affinity for ice cream, cause I normally get my share deep in the middle of the night when everyone else is sleeping. Well, 'tis in the middle of the night, isn't it? I can't help but a grin sneakes in my face.

I wonder if Leo knows this as well.

**Sluuurp!**

It must be presenting a rather funny view when April comes back, seeing me with the two-liter chocolate ice cream pot in my lap, a big spoon in my mouth and a pretty satisfied look on my face, because I suddenly heard her snort with laughter.

Well that's really embarrassing… I blush as far my green skin allowes me to, but she comes over to me, gives me a kiss on my cheek, where I didn't smear ice cream on me and asks, "May I join in?"  
"Ge' yorshelf a shpoon and Ih whon't shtop ya." I mumble slyly, the spoon still inside my mouth.

April. If I wasn't into guys and… well, all green and stuff, she'd be the one girl I'd fall in love with. Well that would get me in trouble with Casey, I guess. Lucky bastard!

We both empty the pot in record speed, twenty minutes, and we both feel kinda sick afterwards, but satisfied… somehow.

"April?" I ask her shy, looking in the ice cream pot  
"Hm, Raph?"  
"Thanks! Thank you for distracting me from… ya know." I state timidly.  
"Hey, that's what family's for, isn't it? Besides, you started with the ice cream!" She mocks me with a wink.  
"Thehe, yeah…" I smile sheepish.

**BEEEP! BEEEP!**

The cell! I let go of the spoon and the pot, both fall to the floor with a loud clatter as I grab for the mobile.

"Leo? Mikey?" I ask hopeful.  
"Leo here." His voice is so … soft.  
"So? Did'cha find him? What's up?" I urge him to tell me what they found.  
"We… just found his mask… it's all… bloody…" His voice is a mere broken whisper.  
I feel the blood drain out, I grow so shaky and pale, April grips my hand and the look on her face tells me, I must look pale with shock.

"And- what about- him?" I gulp scared.  
"Nothing yet." He pauses and I can feel he's near crying. "M-Mikey? Could you… please?" Due to the lowered noise I guess he just gave his cell over to Mikey.

"Sure, Leo." Mikey sounds so serious… mature… but still scared. "Ahem… hi Raph! Leo doesn't look too well, and I'm not feeling great either." Leo's reaction must've shocked him badly. "We knocked out five guards on our way here, we're in the old hospital, but it's quite a big building and there's no light anywhere. LH is in one of the other rooms searching through the guards for some '_hints_.' What a bummer." He sounds so sad.

"Hey Mikey?" I try to comfort him…  
"Yeah?"  
"Keep it up, okay? He must be there somewhere. They… they probably only got rid of his mask, please… search on, will ya?" I beg urgently.  
"Of course, Raph… but Leo… he's really under the weather." He sound's a bit scared.  
"**Damn Leo, pull yourself together, you wimp! Tis our brother out there! You gonna chicken out now? Do you really wanna be responsible for his DEATH?**" I yell in the cell feeling my anger clouding my mind. I guess I must've been loud enough for Leo to hear and understand me.  
"**Did'ja hear me, Leo?**" I hope I didn't deafen Mikey with my outburst.  
"Yeah, I heard you, Raph." Leo answers dryly but calm, obviously having the cell back.  
"We'll find him, I promise! Come, Mikey!" I guess he gave Mikey the cell back.  
"Okay Leo." He sounds kinda relieved.

"Hey, Raph?" Mikey asks finally.  
"Yeah, what'cha want?" I reply a bit gruffly but calming down.  
"How're you holding up there? Is Splinter alright?" He sounds concerned.  
"Yeah, he's fine so don't worry, And I… I'm fine as well." I lie shamelessly. "Just get Donnie back." I demand tired.  
"Okay, we'll call you later, then. Bye, Raph." Mikey closes the call.  
"Bye, Mikey."

As I turn my face away from the ShellCell I see April sitting on the floor leaning against the wall. She's pale. She must've slided down there while I was busy being angry at everything.  
"D- Don't worry April! He'll be fine! He has to be…" I try to assure her, everything else then convincing.

"What's going on with you guys, here?" Casey asks suddenly standing at the doorway. I didn't hear him coming.

"April? Wha-?" He rushes down to check up on her.  
"Donnie… Casey, they got Donnie." She stares into nothingness, repeating herself.

* * *

**_Waiting in uncertainty is surely one of the most hard things to endure… And how will Casey react to the situation at hand?_**

**_I hope you enjoyed this chapter, please write something if you feel like it ;)_**

**_Greets,  
Dukey_**


	7. Chapter 7 : Hostage of Remorse

**_Hey guys, I'm back from writers block aka "Real Life" _****_  
So we're back in this ugly place where Donnie's kept hostage, but this time we're seeing things from Leo's point of view.  
Read ´n Review, please._**

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**Chapter 7 : Hostage of Remorse **

I've got no idea what's up with me at the moment. I'm sloppy, I'm discouraged, I don't think like the perfectionist I used to be. I simply cannot lead them anymore. The thought of actually losing Donnie for real this time is consuming my whole self.

When he came back from this "alternate future" where we all died, after we fought the Shredder. He barely talked about it with the others.  
But he laid it all down to me in a private moment. He begged me if something was ever to happen to him, we must never break apart like in "that" future.  
That I had to keep this family together, because I would be the only one who could manage that.

And then, we nearly lost him when he turned into this … _Gamera_ thing, thanks to Bishop. We got him back, though.

But this time, I have this feeling that whatever we do, whatever _I_ do, we'll be too late. This thought scares the shell out of me and keeps me from doing what matters the most.

_NOT BEING TOO LATE! _

I should have noticed them when Sensei and Donnie left! I should have done something when I saw Don's not alright! And why didn't Sensei say a thing?

It's my fault if …

I shake my head and slap myself to get out of this mood, that kind of possesses me every couple of minutes. No wonder, Raph shouted at me like this. I'm ridiculous as a leader!

"Leo? Come on, we must keep on searching!" Mikey orders me with a very strange, mature voice. He seems so grown up as I look in his face.  
"Yes, I'm coming. Sorry." I mumble feebly.  
We leave the wrecked examination room where we found Donatello's bloody mask and go back to the corridor. Leatherhead comes straight toward us from the opposite room. The abandoned hospital is completely without any light. Only some lights from the streets shine through the windows and offer us some sight. We barely use our flashlights in order to not arouse any suspicious hints.

"The guards weren't too helpful, but one of them had a key ring with the keys to the department of pathology, if they're holding Donatello in this building then he must be down there." He growls rather annoyed. I can see him fighting with his inner beast, and he remains as calm as we seems fit.

"Ok, then let's hurry." Mikey throws in before I'm able to say anything. Then he looks at me, as if he asks for approval. I nod to him.  
"Uhm … LH?" Mikey stops in his motion.  
"Yes, Michaelangelo?" Leatherhead rises a nonexistent brow.  
"What the shell is a department of pathology? And most important where?" He asks sheepish, admitting his missing knowledge.  
"It's where they dissect the bodies, Mikey… In the basement. And now please don't girlyscream, ok?" I explain a bit annoyed.  
"Oh… Okaay…" He gulps and turns a bit pale on this new information.  
"Don't worry Michaelangelo, I doubt there are still bodies down there. So just see it as an abandoned cellar." Leatherhead tries to soothe him… With not much success.  
"That's not even a bit less scary, you know? But I guess we'll have to risk it for our brothers sake… So let's get goin' guys." He pulls himself together and rushes towards the main staircase.

As we sneak down to the basement I hear voices. Obviously some other guards having a chat and it seems they didn't hear us. I raise my fist and then press a finger to my lips to tell Mikey and Leatherhead to stop and make no noise. Then they hear the quiet chatter too and nod.  
We sneak down the stairway as I see some shards of glass on the floor of the corridor underneath us. Obviously from a broken wing door they use in hospitals quite often.  
One of them is big enough to catch the reflecting light from around the corner and I can make out two figures standing in front of a big two winged door.

"This freaky turtle-thing got red blood and screams like a human, would you believe that?" The bigger one explains excitedly. He's got an automatic rifle at his side, but doesn't seem like a soldier, more like a bouncer while dressed all black.

"Really? I only saw it out cold when they brought it here. Failure of nature that is" The other guy replies. He's got a bat in his hands and looks like a street punk. A red streak of hair leaking out of his cap. Either they're purple dragons, or whoever hired those, doesn't want his employees to be too smart. I assume in order to not to be able to tell anything coherent…

"Hehe I was with it the second shift inside with the guys. They're reeeally making this thing suffer, that's for sure. But it should be dead by now…" He grins in satisfaction on another beings sufferings.  
"Didn't they say it mustn't die?" The read head asks curiously  
"Dunno, didn't seem they had much interest in that freaks wellbeing, tchehe."

I feel my fist clenching tight and my heart beats so loud, I would swear those goons must hear it if I didn't know that's impossible.  
We must take them out silently. So I decide to take them by surprise both at the same time. I take another shard I see on the steps and let it jump down to the floor, making a well hearable jingle noise.

"Did you hear that, Bob?" The big guy asks indifferent.  
"Yeah, I'll have a look. It's probably our replacements, Tod and Mikey."

I can feel Mikey struggling not to laugh, at this twisted truth.  
The smaller one walks towards the staircase, as we disappear into the shadow of the staircases ceiling. Leatherhead already went back up to the top, due to his inability to simply disappear.  
I have myself hidden with Mikey hanging at the ceiling, feet against the wall, shells against each other and our weapons ready.

"Mikey? Is that you over there?" The redhead asks as he arrives at the stairs and looks up.

"You're damn right, knucklehead!" Mikey says with a grin as we both jump into the corridor from the ceiling of the staircase. Mikey lands directly on top of the redhead knocking him out with his nunchucks, as I swiftly make my way from the staircase, towards the lower level and throw my blade at the other guy at the door.  
With the handle first, I don't want to kill him, not yet.

Before he can even look surprised, he's already hit by the handle in the face, and I'm holding my other sword at his throat, "Not - a - single - sound!" He shivers in fear and blood runs down his forehead in his face as the sword handle hit him quite hard. "Where is our brother?" I ask with a sharp low voice, hissing, glaring into his eyes.

"Th- They are kee- ping him in one of the autopsy rooms down the corridor." He stutters terrified "Please- don't kill me, okay?" He begs with eyes as big as pasta plates.

I lift my second sword with my right foot and let it jump into my free hand. Then I sheath it back into its case on my shell, constantly staring at his eyes.  
"You will take us there, and if you make only one warning noise you'll "face" more than only the handle of this sword! Understood?" I address him cold threateningly. He slightly nods.

"Mikey? Take his weapons and get LH down here." I order.

"Oh okay, Leo, I'm on it." He sounds a bit surprised but happy to my sudden 'leader approach'. Then he takes the gun and a bowie knife from the shivering bouncer.  
"I got the weapons of this red haired weirdo as well." He smiles as he puts the variety of weapons in his belt. As he heads to the staircase Leatherhead already comes around the corner.

"Is this human of any help to us, Leonardo?" Leatherhead asks suspiciously.  
"Well take him as our 'ticket in'." I answer coldly while looking at the bouncer, who looks really pitiful for such a big hunk of muscles.  
I try to hold this anger as it keeps me proceeding and blocking all the self doubt and despair I'm experiencing.  
"Okay, you will now bring us to that room, and don't think of something stupid!" I warn.

"Okay, okay! J- just leave me in one piece!" pathetic lackey.

Suddenly I hear gunshots from the other side of the two winged door those numbskulls were guarding, from down the next corridor, followed by some shouting and screams.

_DONNIE!_

We rush through the door to see what's happening, when two other guards fly in our direction, hit the wall after being clobbered and collapse to the ground, unconscious… or dead?  
They're beaten to a pulp, bleeding everywhere.

Okay no need anymore to be subtle and therefore no need for…

**THUNK!**

I knock out the shivering bulk with a single strike.  
Our 'hostage' joins them on the ground, unconscious.  
"Mikey, Leatherhead, quick!" I yell, to be sure they're on guard.  
"We're right behind you." Both comment in unison.

**RRRRROOOOOARRRRRRRGH **

**CRUNSH!**

What was that? Doesn't matter! We rush forward through the dark corridor, only some of the ceiling lights are barely on and spending some light. They must turned those on because no one can see them from above. We rush around the next corner and look down the corridor. There is one room with an open door and bright light spills out of it. As we come closer a guy in a black suit flies out of the door and slams against the opposing wall slithering down with an awful, crunchy sound.

"**LLEAAVE MEEE AAALOONE!**" a growling voice shouts from inside the room.

Donnie? No this doesn't sound like him… or, does it?

As we rush inside we're blinded at the first moment by some bright surgery lighting lying on the floor, directed towards us.

"**GET OFF MY NECK!**"

* * *

**_Okay so much for this. Donnie is alive and obviously 'kicking' somehow. Why were the guards flying around? What happened there? Chapter 8 will tell us for sure _**

**_Read ´n Review please …_**


	8. Chapter 8 : Darkness within

**_Hey Hi guys, sorry for the delay again… My PC had a complete breakdown and with my hard drive most of my not yet 'backuped' files died … including this chapter. Good thing if you're a "repair dude" who knows how to save at least some data. Well I hope you'll have fun reading this.._**

**_So Read 'n Review, please._**

**_We are back in Donnies mind again._**

**_Greets,_**

**_Dukey_**

* * *

**Chapter 8 : Darkness within**

Damn, at this rate I'll be passing out soon and this goon will do who knows what. My adrenalin level fades by the minute and I lost far too much blood to keep me up much longer.  
I need to get out of here.  
"Hey ‚Tux', we will be… _cough_ … going now!" I address my one eyed "roommate", never tired of mocking his outfit.  
I slowly try to stand up, never letting him out of sight.  
"Are you nuts or what? You won't be going anywhere." He snaps at me.  
"So what? Do you… want to… stop me?" I glare at him.  
This time I'm coughing blood and my lungs feel like they're about to shrink to the size of walnuts. I'm cold and weary… and I hate it.  
"I'm pretty sure I don't have to. You're way too fucked up to be even standing and you know that!" He seems really satisfied to have noticed my state. _Dumb ass…_  
As I'm standing and slowly stumbling towards the door a sound is to be heard.

_bleeep__ bleeep  
bleeep__ bleeep_

I look at him, must be his mobile…  
"You- will get on the phone and tell that everything is okay! I might even scream a bit if necessary. Or … I'll shoot you right away … your choice." I snarl, surprised by my own coldness. Obviously I still kind of impress him with my adamantine ability of staying alive and posing a thread. Not that I let it shine through that I'm feeling so miserable I'm sure I couldn't do anything anymore.  
Nevertheless, he gulps, loosening his tie a bit.

"Okay, okay; whatever you say." He mutters as he gets to his mobile.  
"Yeah hello?" His voice is kinda unsure as he eyes me. "Ah 'tis you… Yeah… we… we are fine here… Hm? Yes it is still alive… as you ordered. Out cold at the moment…  
What? You're here?" Oh great, not that I haven't got enough problems at hand. "Yes of course is that Okay!" He seems to get a bit more confident on his situation.  
"Yeah, downstairs in the path. department… Okay, bye."  
He looks at me with his one eye… and starts to grin

"You freak are sooo screwed! That was my boss and he's here now. And he will kick your sorrow butt to hell." Quite confident on his victory he is.

And actually I can't blame him. At the moment I guess I'd not even be able to shoot him.  
I sink to my knees and can't keep standing as my legs just got far too weak.  
_Damn… that's it? This is where I end? And I did never got the chance to tell Raph…_ Sad ending isn't it.  
Maybe it's better this way… He'd never understand how I feel.  
My sight get's blurry, I let go of the gun and fall to my hands.  
I'm coughing a lot of blood now and I can't breathe…

"Serves you right, freak! Just DIE!" I hear _his_ voice mocking me. Dumb coward, he doesn't dare to get up himself, but he keeps yelling at me. At least I won't have to endure him any longer.

White spots spike up in front of my eyes, and then my sight tunnels to a slim corridor…

I am dying…

"Leo… please keep your promise… don't let happen what I had to witness. You guys can be great… without me…" I whisper hoping he could hear my plea.  
My arms cannot hold me anymore and I slowly slide down to the floor completely.  
I can see the door and a puddle of blood forming in front of me. The bandages didn't hold I guess… No wonder…  
The only thing I hear is my heartbeat… getting slower … and slower.  
I see the door opening and someone with boots entering… metal boots… Ah, I don't care anymore.

_Mikey__… don't be too much of a hassle, will you? Especially for Raph, hehe…  
Raph… I'm so sorry… Be strong… I love you…_

I close my eyes.

_whup bum I can hear my heart beat fading._

_fading..._

_whup bum_

_whup... bum..._

_fading, farther and farther away..._

_whup... bum... whup- bum..._

_whup- ...whup- bum..._

_heart beats... loosing rythem..._

_whup … whup..._

_... whup..._

_... bum..._

_whu-p..._

_Bye world…_

_and then silence._

_silence..._

* * *

_wh-up... bum... whu-p... bum... whup... bum..._

_whup- bum... whup bum... whup bum-whupbum, whupbum-_

_whup bum - whup bum - whup bum – whup bum_

I feel a stinging pain in my chest as if Zeus lightning itself runs through my veins, I breathe deeply, my eyes flash open.  
I don't know what's going on. I'm alive, that much is obvious… but I feel ‚_IT_'!  
The beast, the rage, the burning desire to break free.  
I guess some part of my "Monster-Self" is still in me, and it's taking control.  
In any other situation I would have melted in despair for turning into that horrible monster again, but now I actually am kind off thankful. In a weird way, Bishop gave me a second chance to live.

Slowly I stand up, still facing the floor.  
In a split second my head jerks into an upward position to face the new guest.  
Some very modern combat armor and helmet, not unlike the 'Foot Techs'.  
'Tux' stands next to him, shocked like he saw the devil himself.

And in a way, he's right.

This is not me anymore. I just witness what happens. This is _HIM_… no_ IT!_  
With a simple slapping motion of my arm, they're both out of my way. At least that is how it feels. Actually this must have been one hell of a fast movement! I feel how my body transforms but not like last time, it just seems to be too busy on keeping me alive than turning me completely into this dinosaur again.  
I reach for the door, rip it out of off its hinges and throw it at my surprised hosts, who just managed to get on their feet again. The surgery lights fall over in the process, come to lay on the floor, blinding me. I turn into the corridor and start running. Two guards come towards me, and I'll make sure they surely wish they hadn't.

One of them has a gun and fires at me, while shouting something. I'm not sure if he actually hit me. I guess not. Even _IF_, my body wouldn't mind at the moment.  
I jump at one of them punching him in his face hard enough to make his skull crack, then ram into the other with my shell, squishing him literally on the wall.  
I grab both of them and throw them down the dark corridor with full power.  
Then I feel a hard clench followed by a sting in my neck.  
For a moment it seems I'm not able to move at all, maybe they just gave me a shot of tranquilizer. I see it is this new weirdo with the high tech armor. It must enhance his physical strength somehow, because he drags me back around the corner to the now door less room with only one arm. I slowly start to move my fingers; the tranquilizer seems to wear of.

As we're back in the dissection room I grasp behind myself reaching for the arm that holds me, grabbing it tightly and throw the whole armored body over my shoulder in the back left corner of the room.

**_RRRRROOOOOARRRRRRRGH_**

**_CRUNSH!_**

He crashes into the wall and leaves well noticeable cracks in it. I doubt that his armor prevented too much damage on him, as he sinks to the ground without any sign of consciousness.

I turn around in a swift move, grab the stiffened tuxedo goon by the hair and ram my knee into his face. The sound is terrible as bone and flesh are crushed by brute force. I try not to look at this horrifying scene but I have no control over myself. I can't even close my eyes. Several punches and kicks follow before I finally throw him out of the room at the opposite wall. The sight and sound of his impact would make me vomit in any other circumstance.

I must regain control- at this rate, I'd be killing anybody, friend or foe- and myself as well. I seriously doubt that this mutation burst actually healed me from my wounds. Astounding what pure adrenalin and some fuzzed up DNA can manage.

Then- I see Leo at the entrance of the room. Thank god, they're here! But… I'm not able to stop myself…

_No!_

He mustn't come near me! I fear I might kill him.  
I desperately force my mind into my body with all the willpower I can gather.  
Killing this scum might be forgivable, but killing my family…  
NO! NEVER! I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN!

"**LLEAAVE MEEE AAALOONE!**" I growl in a voice that really is not mine.

I feel how I start to regain some control over my rampaging body. And I feel someone grabbing me by my neck from behind again and ramming me into the wall on my right side.  
This can't possibly be this dude in the armor, can it? But it is…

"**GET OFF MY NECK!**" I yell with more of my old voice.

"You will disappear with me, just as it was supposed to be! You won't stay in the way of our Master's future again!" A metallic voice hisses from the helmet.  
What's that supposed to mean? His "master's" future?  
I have regained some control over my body, but apparently at the loss of strength. I can't do much but grasping his wrist.  
"I gave you this mutagen injection to survive. You're not supposed to die, yet. Just to break!" The metallic voice continues.  
He's pressing me harder against the wall, as suddenly his hold loosens after a loud dangling sound caused by an angry crocodiles whipping tail that smashes him to the ground.

A humming noise comes from the armor as it dissipates with a flash into nothingness.  
I sink down as well and close my eyes for a moment, still baffled at this statement.

"Why is it always the bad guys in futuristic outfit who can go '_BAMF_' like that, eh?" Mikey bursts out a bit disappointed.

Then I feel a hand on my shoulder. I flinch, look up and see into Leo's worried pale face. "Donnie…" He whispers, drops to his knees and then hugs me tightly.  
"I feared we'd be too late…" A tear trickles down his cheek.  
"Leo… Splinter… I'm so sorry, I couldn't do a thing." I suddenly remember the events earlier this evening.  
"Sensei survived. Raph saved him, nearly at cost of his own life." Leo states calmly, looking much more at peace than a moment ago. "He got injured, but he'll be fine. I'm more worried about you at the moment." He watches all over me with a fearful measuring look.

Now Mikey comes down to me, too. Looking a bit freaked out at the whole gory scene around us, not to mention my pitiful state.  
"Bro, you seriously made us worry, man! Don't you do that again, okay?" He mutters anxious, but then takes me in a hug as well after Leo let go.  
"You look 'molto gaspacho', you know that?" He narrows a brow as if he was a little bit disgusted by my looks.  
"Well, yeah I know, but it seems I'm alive." I stutter tired. "I'm not feeling too good, guys. Can we go home now, please?" I ask a bit frail and wimpy.  
"I will carry you Donatello. Everything is going to be alright." Leatherhead steps towards me, smiling reassuringly and relieved.

"Good… uhm guys? Is it ok if I pass out now?" I ask sheepishly and knowing I'm about to do it anyway.

"**WHAT?**" The trio yells terrified in unison.

That's the last thing I hear before the comforting silent darkness surrounds me, guiding me to long sought rest.

Or maybe not the very last thing…

_You know that I'll come back again, don't you Donatello? I've been set free once again and I won't give up this new gained freedom so easily. Always remember you owe me your life now! I will always be there; watching, waiting for a chance to break free. And when I do, all that's dear to you will pay!_

* * *

**_Whoohoo_****_, Donnie is safe for now… BUT!  
Ahh there are always "buts", aren't there? _**

**_Some of you already suspected Donnie to remutate after Chapter 7 and… well you've not been totally wrong. _**

**_:-) _**

**_I hope you enjoyed. Review please … _**


	9. Chapter 9 : Wishes and Facts

_**I'm sooooooooo sorry for the major delay. There were a lot of things happening in my life lately so I really didn't have the time nor inspiration to write anything somehow consistent. **_

_** But I promised I'd continue the story and that I will… It may take some time, but I won't just quit and leave you guys with unfinished business. **_

_**Thanks for all the reviews and encouragement from you! It's really appreciated. Never imagined I would possibly attract quite a lot of readers, so I'm just the more grateful. **_

_**So, here we are back in the Lair. Donnie is saved, more or less…  
Raphael talking... **_

_**So Read 'n Review, please.**_

* * *

**Chapter 9 : Wishes and Facts**

When my Shell-Cell rang I nearly dropped it. I was waiting for so long for that call that when it finally came, I was so surprised I didn't know which button to push.

Well, I managed somehow and it was good news. They found Donnie and he was alive. Leatherhead was on the cell and told me to turn Donnie's room into a sickbay while they are on their way, because he is seriously injured. They met up with Casey in front of the hospital. He took care of some other guards who were lurking around there… and after what Leatherhead told me he did a hell of a good job, as usual.

After the call I told Splinter and April what I just heard, and so April quickly ran off to get Donnie's room ready, 'cause I'm obviously am not in shape to really help. So I stumbled to Sensei's chamber and we both waited together.

Splinter still lay on his bed, unable to do anything else without reopening his wound. And I shouldn't 'run' around too much either, but I don't care. Donnie is alive! That's all that counts at the moment. I was given a second chance to tell him how I feel, and that's what I'm gonna do! This one time I want to do the right thing. Not chicken out and getting rough on the whole world just because I'm the one who can't manage his 'emo-world'.

Now I sit here and as I look over to Splinter I realize that he was watching me the whole time. And he's smiling… I wonder what the old rat already knows. But he's obviously not mad about anything. Just happy that I'm happy… and that Don is alive of course.

I hop over to his futon and settle myself down at the floor in front of it. He raises his right hand to cup my cheek. "He will be all right, my son." Splinter whispers.

I rest my head on his unharmed side and respond. "I know, Sensei… Today, things gonna change. I promise…"

* * *

I wake up. Damn I must have fallen asleep at Sensei's bed. I raise my head to look around. April stands in the doorway with a rather concerned look on her face. 

"Whassup 'pril?" I ask very sloppy, dreamland still in my bones.

"They're here. Well, they've been for three hours now. We didn't want to wake you both, cause you're so exhausted as well. It's half past eight. Donnie is… well he didn't wake up yet." I can see that she tries to look not too worried, but she fails miserably. But before I can rush up and regret this action in pain, she comes down to the floor next to me and puts her hand on my shoulder. "Come, slowly… don't wake up Splinter. I'll help you to Don's room." she whispers.

I nod in agreement and let her help me up slowly.

We walk across the lair and I see Casey sleeping on the couch in front of the TV, he got a few bruises but nothing serious. "I told him to get some rest … " April whispers. "That's better than standing in the way while we treat Donnie. You know how he can be."   
Yeah, Casey tends to be a bit clumsy when it comes to delicate matters, a thing not too unfamiliar to me.

As we enter Don's room I notice that April must have worked her butt off to make it a proper sickbay. All the medical equipment Don and Leatherhead picked up over the years, gathered to a near hospital like state. The lights are dimmed. Some colorful buttons shine through. There are beeps and this Darth Vader like breathing sound. It gives me the creeps.

There he lay in his bed, my Donnie; with tubes and cables leading from his body to several of these beeping machines. He's pale like a sheet and black and blue everywhere. Not to mention the stitches, bandages and patches. I don't even recognize the others standing in his room. I clench my fists as hard as I can to subdue my urge to destroy something – probably the door.

Whoever did this to my bro will pay! Dearly!

Then I feel Leo's hand on my arm. "It's ok, Raph. Go to him." He says in his supporting leader voice. I look into his eyes and see his serious look, trying hard to keep his tears inside.

I look at the others and they all seem pretty devastated, worst of all Mikey.

"Okay guys, what's all this about? Isn't it time to celebrate or sumthin'?" I ask rather unnerved.

Leatherhead comes over to me and guides me out of the room after giving me his 'Not Happy Glare'. In front of Donnie's sickbay I ask him again, but now a bit more concerned.

"LH, what's up? I mean we found him and he's alive. Shouldn't we all be a bit more… happy? Or what's up with Don?" I ask him, fearing for what might come next.

"Raphael, calm down first." the croc says gently. "Donatello's injuries are far more extensive than we first thought. Technically speaking should his body been… long dead. But he isn't. We really have no idea if he is able to recover or ever wakes up. - And there is something wrong with his blood. That what's left for that matter." I feel my heart bumping like crazy but still have this dreaded feeling of slipping away. My face darkens further as Leatherhead continues. "I tested a few samples and but couldn't make a clue out of it until now. We stabilized him for the moment, but it really doesn't look good. To be honest…" He turns away from me and looks through the lair. "… I don't think he'll survive the next two days." This last part pierced into my heart like a spear, and I slowly slip down the wall I started to lean on while he spoke.

"But… there must be something… we can do… you can do…" I stutter overwhelmed by the sudden change of real life facts.

"I will continue to try, of course! But I wanted you to be prepared to what will most probably be happening." He turns back to me and reaches his hand to my aid. I take it and get myself standing again. But my mind is a numb mushy lump. As if your thoughts are stuck in a jar of honey; only that this honey ain't any sweet.

"Can… I talk… to him?" I ask weary. "Yes, of course, but he won't be too responsive, if at all." Leatherhead answers calmly.

I can't believe it. After all this struggling and the successful recovering of my brother, he's simply going to die on us…

When I come back to Don's room, the others look at me rather- unsure, but I know what I have to do.

To hell with all these years of hiding myself in my grumpy, asshole shell.

This might probably my last chance ever.

I hop towards his bed, grab a chair and sit down next to him, laying my hand on his head, stroking it down to his cheek.

"Donnie… I… I never told you this, but now I'm gonna have to. And I'll do it in front of everybody. Because it's probably my last chance and I don't wanna hide my feelin's anymore!" My voice is shaky and unbalanced as I really had to suppress any urge to sob away. "I… I luv' ya bro! More than anything else in this world!" I squeeze my eyes shut.   
I hear Mikey whispering a "What the sh…" but Leo seems to give him a knock and I don't care either.   
"I always did! I need ya, Donnie! I know I shouldn't be feeling like this, but I do and I don't care a feces about what others might think about it. Not anymore. I won't pull of this act anymore. This shell of jerkness I built around me… I can't hold it up any longer. I love you Hamato Donatello!"

"Does that mean, he'll dye his bandana pink and won't hit me anymore from now on?" Mikey asks rather confused, soon to get another pound from Leo. "Dream on, Mikey. Some things never change!" Leo chuckles a bit. "Oh well… would become boring, otherwise."

"Ahem! I'm trying to express my inner feelings here!? That's awkward enough; don't need you two guys to add to it." I mention a bit louder to the back of the room, where silence occurs instantly. "Thanks!"

"Yeah, you've got a queer brother who fell in love with you."I turn back to my precious secret love. "Praise fate for that weird twist. Just don't back out on me; on us. I don't know what I'd do if you'd- leave." I try to loosen up a bit. "You don't want me go whacko, do you? – No you don't want that for sure. So please stay with us, even if it's just for looking awkward at me for the rest of our days." Just as I finish those last words, I feel a creepy silence, I'm sure I just freaked out my siblings to the utmost. Screw them, but then I hear a frail, broken voice.

"Would- you… shut up already- and kiss me, Raph?" Donnie whispers heavily.

I open my eyes startled, and look at my battered brother who just spoke to me. His eyes are barely open, but he smiles, or more smirks at me. He pulled away his breathing mask. I'm sure I'm just making the dumbest expression a living being on this planet ever made, as I look at him rather unbelieving at what I just heard.

"Raph? I don't know on which planet- that expression is called- kissing. But, surely not on mine." Don teases me; unbelievable how he can be in such a state and still make a funny.

"D… Donnie…" I stuttered in shock, frozen like super market veggies. He looks so weak and fragile, but he has this frown, and this raised eyebrow, just waiting for the unspeakable.

"Aaaaaaawkwaaard…" I hear Mikey stating somewhere behind me, in the back area of the room, which breaks me from my paralysis.

I look into Donnie's eyes, grin a "Shut up, Mikey…" and reach down for my beloved bro, embracing him in my first real kiss; our first kiss. I try to be as gentle and careful as possible, not to hurt him in any way; afraid he would shatter into a thousand shards of thin glass any moment. He remains whole, of course.

I felt a stream of tears flowing down my cheeks, as I am finally relieved of this weight I carried with me all those years.

I break up our embrace and look at him again with a tear drenched but smiling face.

"Raph- I… love you, too!" He coughes weakly. "We- should've figured it out… much earlier, bro." Then he winces, breathes in heavily… and falls unconscious again all of a sudden.

A discomforting beeping noise made itself clear to my ears as I took three steps back, stabilizing my stance on the chair I sat on, scared of what just might have happened. April and Leatherhead rush to Don's bed to check up on him pulling off that "medic" thing I really have no clue about, as Leo gently grabs my shoulder from behind, pulling me out of the way. I look into his face which is filled with a mixture of plain incomprehension and fear, his lips forming Donnie's name.

"Donnie!? April, LH, what's up with Donnie? Please do something!" I hear Mikey screaming as he rushes towards the bed. LH quite abruptly stops his advance by just grabbing him by the shoulder.

"Leo! Get Raphael and Michelangelo out of here. We need space! We call if we need anything! NOW!" Leatherhead orders Leo as if he ever has been the leader and Leo is a bit dazzled by the sudden command but quickly complies and takes Mikey who is less likely to just leave his dying brother alone.

"Raph, help me with Mikey here, please!" he addressed me.

"Donnie! NO! Donnie! What's happening?" Mikey kicks and screams like a little scared kid. But Leo and I just grab him and drag him out of the room. Well I'm more grabbing and Leo is more dragging as I only have one free arm after I took my crutch back to be able to move. I'm in some sort of trance and come back to my senses, but only after Leo had closed the door behind us.  
Mikey falls to the floor babbling Donnie's name in utter despair.

I look at Leo who went as pale as a sheet and as well slowly slides down the now closed door, completely expressionless, only his left eye is twitching every few seconds.   
I feel a knot in my stomach growing to a rock. I notice my hands shake as if I was heavily struck by Parkinson's disease, my crutch slides away and more bluntly I too collapse to the ground between my two brothers.

As I sit myself up against the wall, next to Leo, I involuntarily grab his hand and give it a firm squeeze. "Mikey," I call my little brother who looks at me with this special look a baby has moments, before bursting out with heart wrenching crying, his lips trembling. "Come over here, bro. Come over here."

He crouches over to me and Leo and soon we cling on each other in a group hug, taking at least some comfort in the presence of the other; but there is one missing…

'Donnie…' I say to myself '... don't you dare kissing me and then die! Please… Donnie…'

* * *

_**Okay so much for Donnie being "saved", eh? Well now there is the big Damocles sword hanging… Will he live? Will he die? **_

_**You will see more or less "soon" for sure… J **_

_**Greets,   
Dukey**_


	10. Chapter 10 : Expect the Unexpected

_**Okay here we go towards chapter 10**__**. It was hard coming up with that one and I'm not entirely happy with it… but when am I? ;) So read along, enjoy and review if you like.**_

* * *

**Chap****ter 10 : Expect the Unexpected**

Whew, what was that noise? What **is** that noise for that matter?

Damn I'm still too sleepy to think straight… what happened?

Ah yeah, we brought Donnie back and I took a nap on the couch.

Donnie! My you looked horrible as far as I could tell when we hauled you in the truck, I hope Leatherhead patched you up good.

But what is that noise? It's … Is that - sobbing?!

I open my eyes, it's pretty dark in the lair but light enough to see. The sobbing comes from upstairs. I look up the staircase and see Leo, Raph and Mikey. They're sitting in front of Don's door. Mikey is leaning on Raph's shoulder as he cries. Raph slowly strokes his head and tears run down his cheeks as well. Leo stares into nothingness with a complete empty look.

Oh my god… Donnie… NO!

At first I want to rush to them and ask what's going on, but- something in the back of my mind tells me I don't wanna know. I want to go to them, but I'm too scared what might happen if I do.

Oh that's big . ME, scared! Something must be seriously wrong if that happens.

I breathe deeply and walk towards them, feeling a big knot forming in my stomach.

I never saw Raph cry. Bursting in anger, yes; any other kind of negative emotion, ooh boy yeah! But cry? Never!

I walk up the stairs and sit down at the last step, looking at my green friends. I look into Raph's eyes, he recognizes my presence and wipes over his watery eyes with his free hand.

"H-ey Case…" he croaks, trying to send me a smile.

"Hey Raph…" I respond a bit unsure of how to react to this.

"He's dying, Casey." Mikey's voice made itself heard underneath his sobbing.

"No he isn't!" Leo suddenly states with an awful determined voice. "Don can't die! He won't! I won't allow it! Raph and Don are going to be together. And they're gonna be happy. It won't be any other way!" He looks at me as if I would be the one who 'decided' otherwise.

Wait a moment, _together_? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

"Uhm, Leo? So, you're fine with me- uhm us being…y'know… gay 'n stuff?" Raph asked a bit surprised and ashamed at the same time.

Raph's gay?! I never figured that out … and we do LOTS of stuff together… And Donnie too??? Oh.. okay… only a little bit awkward…

"Fine? You have no idea how much I envy you, Raph!" Leo admitted slowly regaining some sort of facial expressions again.

"Envy? ME? You've gone crazy, Leo?" Raph stated as if Leo just claimed Klunk to be made out of sharp edged, red glowing glass shards.

"Come to think of it, Raph. Whatare the chances for any of us to find someone who would be with us, huh? Human girls? Come on , not even April would find any of us _attractive_. Besides she's with Casey." Leo explains and points at me.

"And I seriously doubt there will be a couple of mutant turtle chicks, conveniently turning up somewhere just the way that we would fall in love with. We are alone, Raph! Neither of us will ever be able to be in love with someone else, ever!" Leo tosses his thoughts while getting pretty worked up. "And here you two turn out not only to swing for guys, you fall in love with each other as well. Now tell me I shouldn't envy you. You won the Jackpot, Raph."

Somehow I await a kinky comment on this coming from Mikey, but he remains silent at Raph's shoulder.

"You forgot the fact that Donnie is just about to- well, you know," Raph tried to get Leo back to the more actual situation, gritting his teeth on the thought.

Until now I just gawked at the situation at hand, speechless and thoughtless, but now regained my voice. "Um, 'scuse me guys? Obviously I did miss sumthin' here. Anyone cares to update me- properly?" I ask rather confused.

"Yeah, sorry, Case." Raph starts, looking a bit uncomfortable on both matters at hand.

"Well first thing, LH said Donnie probably won't make it. And as I know the croc, he wouldn't just say that to us if he wasn't pretty sure." Raph starts to explain, not really convincing with the 'emotionless teller' act.

"Whoa, shit! I- when- when I got to the hospital and took out those guards, you guys just came up from the basement with Donnie," I point at Leo and Mikey. "I didn't get to have a close look on him, and you guys weren't that talkative so I missed how badly he is really hurt." I just realize that I must appear like a total dickhead right now.

"I would have never gone to sleep on the couch if I'd known that! You guys must think I'm the worst insensitive jerk, ever! Sorry," I look down at the floor, ashamed for not realizing the seriousness of the situation back then when we brought Donnie in.

"Well, you are an insensitive jerk, Casey. That's no big news." Mikey joins in, lifting his face from Raph's shoulder and nudging my right arm. I look up to his face and he smiles a little.

"I don't blame you. Normally none of us gets hurt badly, and we covered Donnie quite good. It's okay dude." he frowns slightly, wipes the tears off his face with both hands and sits up straight again. Nonetheless his hands shake and his expression feels broken.

"In addition we kept it kinda secret from you," Leo speaks up. "on purpose. We didn't want to upset you too much, you know?" he admits a bit embarrassed.

"Oh, okay. Can see the reasoning in that." I state, knowing I'd be more trouble than help if I'd known. "Well, guys, but now I know and I can't bear seeing you like this on the floor. Let's get a seat in the kitchen and I make coffee, a strong one, okay?" I try to comfort my friends a little and mostly myself.

"Yeah," Leo agrees, "that's probably the best idea. But I have to do something first," he stands up and starts walking down the stairs.

"Oh damn! Sensei!" Raph bursts out, "Nobody told him yet, ain't I right?"

"Exactly, and I'll take care of that matter now." Leo says sadly but determined. "Mikey? Help Raph down the stairs, will you?" he orders.

"Sure thing, bro." Mikey complies.

"Hey! I don't need any h-" Raph tries to throw in but before he can finish, Mikey and I take on each side of him. "Hmpf… If you wanna play crutch for me, be my guest." Raph mutters while we walk him down the stairs and into the kitchen.

Ten minutes later we all sit at the kitchen table and wait for Leo to join in, the fresh cups with café ala Casey, extra-extra strong, steaming in front of us.

Suddenly there is a noise underneath the sink and I cringe. Then I see the culprit, as Klunk slowly comes out of his hiding place. He must have hidden there knowing something is wrong. He walks over to Mikey and jumps on his lap demanding to be cuddled.

"Hey Klunk, little friend," Mikey says sadly, "You're hungry, huh? Wait I'll get you something." He promises and walks over to the cupboard and starts getting Klunk something to eat.

"He's asleep again." I hear Leo's voice behind us, turn around and see him standing in the doorway, tired and sad.

"Hey, take a seat and drink a cup of this, okay?" I wave him over and pour him a cup.

He nods and sits down at the table next to Raph who instantly asks: "Was he awake when you got to him? How'd he take it?"

"He woke up when I entered and took it as well as possible" Leo answers kinda cryptic.

"Uh Huh," Raph grunts in response.

For a period that seems like eons, nobody says a thing until I finally break the silence.

"So, Raph… you're into guys? How and when did that happen?" Maybe I _should_ have stayed silent.

Raph looks at me rather baffled, but then grins as if he knew I just realized that was a very stupid question. "Well you tell me how? No idea. I always did- but I never told anybody. Never had any reason to do so; It was freaky enough to be green and shelled and stuff. And I thought you guys wouldn't understand." On the last sentence he looks down at the table.

"Did you honestly think Mikey could possibly tease you more on that than he already did?" Leo asked, sheepishly grinning.

"You bet!" comes from the far end of the kitchen as Mikey returns to the table, he has a devious smile on his lips. "But honestly, bro. I think it's totally cool, you're gay. I mean you're the most 'ungay' person I know, besides you, Jack Bauer seems like a queer." he points out.

"Well _thanks_, Mikey… I guess…. But don't you think it's a bit- _off_, that me and Donnie… y'know?" Raph asked, unsure if his brothers supported that kind of relationship.

"Hey, Raph," Leo piped in, "As I said earlier you are lucky to feel that way. Of course it seems awkward and I guess every human would scream Sodom and Gomorrah, sorry Casey, but we aren't human, our situation is so much different than that of every other family. If there is even a slightest chance for two of us to become happy, I… What kind of person would I be if I wanted to deny you that?"

"Leo, you thought on that a lot, didn't you?" Raph asks seriously, "I mean, longer than the past hour," and reaches out for Leo's hand.

But Leo pulls away, stands up and steps out of the kitchen. "I- I need to check on Splinter," he stutters and takes his leave.

"Uhm, guys? I must admit, I never thought about how it must be for you." I state bluntly.

"Yeah well, it's not making life easier if that's what you mean," Raph ensures my thought.

"Hm, until now it had never been that hard for me." Mikey joins the rather awkward discussion. "At least nothing a magazine and a little privacy wouldn't fix." Raph tilts his head up at Mikey with this special, 'you didn't just say that' look. "But I know what you mean. I always tried not to put too much thought on it. But Leo obviously did for quite some time. I don't want to be alone forever either. It just doesn't hurt that much yet. " he explains thoughtfully.

"What doesn't hurt yet?" April asked rather curious as she suddenly enters the kitchen, we all turn around in surprise.

"Hey babe," I get up to her "how's Donnie doing? I already know that it's bad, so no act needed," I state while giving her a tight hug, but release her quickly again.

"Leatherhead and I managed to stabilize his vitals for now. He's unconscious. All we can do now is wait and pray I guess. If he survives the next 48 hours, then there's a good chance he'd pull through." April explained quite seriously. "I'm going to check up Splinter's bandages now, and then yours Raphael, okay?" She asks a bit more loosened up with a smirk.

"Oh yeah, lucky me!" Raph sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Well we can always let it get infected and later on get rid of the whole leg, if you prefer?" April taunts him.

"Uhm… no no 'tis ok 'pril…" Raph grunted.

She kind of smiles and then takes off to Splinter's room.

"Hey, April!" I yell after her, "Leo's in there, maybe you shouldn't burst in there all of a sudden, okay?" I stressed.

"Oookay, if you say so, thanks." She answered rather confused.

Then I wait a moment staring up at Donnie's door, before turning back to Mikey and Raph in the kitchen. I can't stay here. It's so hard to see my friends suffer and not be able to do something about it. I must do something.

"Guys, I'm gonna get outta there and see if I can dig up something about who did this. I can't sit here and wait. You do understand, don't you?" I asked rather urgently.

"Hell Yeah!" Raph responded angrily, "I'd come with you, if I wasn't playing one legged bandit!" He hits his bandaged leg.

"Armed…" Mikey threw in.

"What?" Raph turned to his brother.

"It's one 'armed' bandit," Mikey teased back.

"Whatever, Shut up Mikey,"

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_**A shot from Casey's view. I know Casey didn't get to do much by himself besides witnessing but that's kinda intended. Hope you guys liked it ;)**_

_**Chapter 11 will be coming soon and will happen… guess what … two days later ;)**_

_**Greets,**_

_**Dukey**_


	11. Chapter 11 : Pulling Through

So people, you waited long enough!

Here I present you...

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Chapter 11 : Pulling Through

"Hey… Donatelloo…" I hear a dark, twisted, whispering, sing sang version of my voice teasing me. Everything is dark, there is no floor or ceiling, only this voice near my ear, circling around me.

"You're going to die, you know?" it taunts me, voice menacing. "No, let me rephrase it: Your mind is going to die, my dear, dear Donatello." Oh how I hoped not to hear this voice ever again. "I will remain, though. Do you know what happens, if I remain, Donatello?"

"**Shut up!"** I scream. "If I die you'll go down with me!" I try to threaten back at it as I'm growing more and more upset.

"Ohh, I beg to differ," the voice whispers, sinister to my ear. "You seem to forget what kind of power I hold over your precious little body, could that be?" It talks down to me as if I were a stupid little toddler.

"What do you mean?" I sneer.

"Well, I'm a direct side effect of your second mutation, Donatello. I can trigger it, nearly control it. And I'm pretty much convinced I let you die before I let your body recover." The voice states evilly.

"I don't believe you! You're based off of me. If my mind goes blank, yours will too. Too many of your thought patterns actually use ME to function. You'd be nothing but a drooling moron without me." I geek speak him down. "I'm too much of a scientist to be scared enough by your hollow threats."

"Maybe… yeah maybe you won't really die, but- ever thought about being suppressed enough you could be considered being dead?" It points out. "Oh, controlling your body, tricking you precious family into trusting that I am you." It hums happily. "Well, actually I AM YOU!" the voice laughs loud enough that it hurts.

"What kind of face do you think will your lovely red banded brother make, when we make out and I rip his balls off all of a sudden, eh?" the threat hit's me hard as I know I can't let this- this THING harm my family.

"YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY FAMILY! OR ELSE!" I roar, slightly beginning to panic.

"Or else what, exactly? It's not like you could do anything about it, except watch." I practically feel its grin on me. This disgusting bastard. I can't let him take control, never! Considering it's a 'he', does that even matter? I guess I'll take it as a 'him'.

Wait, he said he can control this second mutation; With him being based on me, I should be able to do the same as well. If I really concentrate and feel into my body, I might be able to take control over the mutagen and with it over him. A nice side effect would be to be able to heal faster or for that matter, at all!

Okay Donnie, focus!

"What are you trying to do, Donatello, eh?" He grunts as if disturbed. "Hey, you! S… stop that!" Now he sounds pained actually. "I said stop it - NOW!" he winces more with a piped voice as I take further control.

"No you monster! I won't stop! I will never just stop! I won't die! I won't leave my family to this horrible future that might await them if I did! I won't leave Raph behind, just now that I learned that he loves me, too! **YOU WILL GO!** **YOU WILL BOW TO MY ****WILL BECAUSE YOU ARE MEARLY AN UNWANTED GUEST** **IN!** **MY!** **REALM!"

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**

I'm awake and panting like crazy. Where am I? Whoa a breathing mask? Not again! I rip it off in panic to be yet again captured. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!

Wait, I'm in a bed… this is my bed … I'm home. "Thank god, I'm home." I whisper feebly as a tear leaks out of my un-bandaged eye.

Then I see a shadow hovering over me, that clearly turns out to be Raph with a very worried but happy face. "H… Hey Donnie." He croaks, then after our eyes meet, he hugs me as if I'd be the most precious thing there was in the world.

"You survived, Don! And you're awake! Finally!" Raph blurts out. "Thanks, Donnie; Thank you for coming back." he whispers meek but happy. "You're home, no need to shed tears anymore, okay?" He tries to sooth me, or more himself as I feel how shaken up he is, although he's not letting much of it seen.

"It's okay Raphie," I try to calm him, "I'll be okay... I guess… and I'm not going to leave you again." At least I hope so, as I remember how extensive my injuries were. Then I return the hug as far as I can with all the I.V.s and other stuff sticking out of my body that I realize to be there now. "But I need to rest a bit more, I'm not feeling too hot." I stated as a light nausea manifests in my stomach.

"No wonder, it's only been two days since we brought you back. We stood watch at your bed all the time; well mostly me, I just couldn't leave ya." He now looks me in the eye and I recognize how sleep deprived he looks, and how red and puffed his eyes are. "You're going to be back in action in no time, bro. I promise!" he takes me by the shoulders and reassures me.

"Okay, if you say so, then it has to be true, eh?" I smirk at him as I lay back down, carefully supported by my beloved hotheaded brother.

Then he asks more concerned "You woke pretty shaken up… Uhm, did you dream bad?" OH Raph, you have no idea HOW bad; and it wasn't even a dream.

But I can't let him know. I can't let anybody know. They're worrying enough about my health already, don't need them to get up and about my mental state as well.

"Hrm, yeah I had a nightmare, but it's okay now. Don't worry, Raph." I lie, which I hate to, but what choice do I have? "Considering what happened to me it's not that surprising don't you think?" I try to reason him into a less worrying state.

"Well, I just wanted to make sure you're really okay, y'know?" He states kind of embarrassed, and then drops down to his nearby chair on which he slides right next to my bed.

"I know, thanks." I nudge him a bit to comfort him, then I realize- "Uhm Raph, about the kiss- I… I'm sorry I didn't mean to …"

"'tis okay, Donnie. It's not like I didn't want to… I did, for a long time actually." He looks down at the floor, blushing and really feeling embarrassed about it.

"So, we've been wasting lot's of time with not being together, although we would have wanted to?" I ask, recapitulating the past ten years in a swift and quite unfair manner.

"Guess so… pretty stupid, eh?" a solemn Raph answers with hanging shoulders.

"Yeah, kind of." I gaze at the ceiling."So, how about making the most of it now?" I stroke over his strong biceps with my left hand, which is quite an effort in my current poor state.

"Yer not wasting any time, eh Donnie-boy?" he smirks at me, taking my hand in his, looking deep into my eyes.

"Never ever again," I answer determined.

He gives me a little peck on the cheek and stumbles up from his chair, fidgeting for his crutch. "I'll go get the others. It's half past three in the morning, that's why no one came in yet. They'll be thrilled to see you awake!" with those words he crutch walks over to the door, but turns back to me before leaving. "I love you Donnie, more than anything in this world! We'll get you fixed up again! Don't worry about it! – And, uhm… I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't tell the others how mushy I tend to get beside you nowadays, okay? Got an image to hold up y'know?" He grins and poses very manly before leaving the room.

"I love you too, Raph." I sigh happily and close my eyes awaiting a big family hug which hopefully won't open any wounds again.

**

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**

Okay not so much on the "happen factor" but a needed part, and more is on the roll. I'm writing on Chapter 12 right now and if nothing bad happens you guys gotta read it soon as well.

I have to thank the awesome Ame Musashi for beta reading and helping me once again.

Ame I really love you for just beeing awesome!

And I thank all of you who still want to read on what's about to happen and had to wait for a YEAR! I really feel bad about that...

Anyways much more to come for Donnie and the others.

Oh and reviews and comments are very welcome

Hugs'n cookies,

Dukey


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